A long long long day...

Okay, I am all confused and i need to write about it. Today was a very long day.

It started with a late wake-up, a long exam in college, a race through the streets of Jerusalem, an afternoon at my cousin's and a date ( not mine!!!), a quick meal in a old restaurant, and a huge screaming at my roomates.

After the ritual late wake-up, run to college, take your exam and come out, i promised my cousin I'd come over to help her get ready. Tonight, she had her very first date. I grabbed something to eat, and took a bus to arrive to her place. After small talk, we talked businness, i.e. what are you gonna wear???
We picked a nice black pinnifore and a top to go under it. And then it hit me. I have at home the perfect headband that would change the whole world. So I jumped in a cab, told him to drive me home, wait for me a few minutes, and take me back to where we came from. I ran up the stairs, grabbed THE headband, my makeup bag ( you never know if she has enough), a necklace that looked good to me to match her outfit, and flew back down the stairs. When I was at her place again, WE started getting ready for HER date. When we were sure she looked fabulous, I gave her some tips from an experienced dater, and we took off. I dropped her in front of the hotel she was supposed to meet Mr Perfect, and, I took a walk. My walk lead me, surprinsgly enoough to the Western Wall. The Kotel Hamaaravi. I davened Maariv, said some Tehilim, prayed that everything should go well for her down there in the lobby of that hotel, and proceeded to walk back. i stopped for a drink. Walked around again. No aim whatsoever, just walking. Then she called me. She was done and she was hungry. We met again, and I could see the excitement on her face. The excitement of someone who has just been allowed to enter a casino, or just been allowed to stay up late at night. Basically, the excitement of feeling a grown up, part of the world of people who make life-depending decisions.
The date wasn't amazing ( but after all, what does she know about dating?), we ate in a restaurant, and went back to my place. I told her to sleep over.
What I didn't expect was the house I'd find when arrivieng home.
The sink was full as if the entire BMG had supper by us, leftovers on the tables (afterall, we're talking about Yeshiva Bachurim), dirt on the floor, an indescribable mess on the dinig room table, the bathroom in a disgusting state.
That was too much for me. I started to put away the dishes, wash what was dirty, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up until I got a spotless house.
Oh, and along the way, I yelled. I yelled that I was fed up of living with girls ( all around my age), who basically do nothing during the day, and come home to a messy house, wher noones thinks of cleaning after himself, let alone do something for others. It felt good.

And of course, now that my appartment is spotless, my head is clear and I can think straight.
Why was I annoyed? Because the house was messy and dirty, or because the girls were so unconsiderate,

I am a giving person. I feel good when I do things for others, and I go absolutely nuts when I feel noone needs me. After all, during finals, I spent my whole afternoon picking an outfit for a date I didn't even think would work out.

I spend most of my davening time praying for my recently engaged brother, for my cousin on her first date, for my mother who's ill, for my single friends, for my friend's sister who was diagnosed with cancer. And then I asked Hashem to give me some strength and courage, to stay strong, to find a way for betterment within myself.

I am not a role model to the rest of the world, but there one thing I know I am not. Selfish. I am not selfish I am not selfabsorbed, selfcentered. My cousin asked me after 5 long hours how my exam was. None of the girls who live with me did. None of them offered to do their chores, and watched me sweating and feeling like a cleaning agent in a mall, where people come and go and don't really care about cleanliness.

I wanted to call home and find out how my mom's health was improving. no way to get through. I am nervous. So many things going on, so many mixed feelings. Anger, fear, sadness, proudness, selfpity and so on...

Hashem, I need help. I need to know how to focus on myself, not to get hurt by people who didn't mean to hurt me, who actually didn't. I need to learn patience and calmness.

I know I should have sat down, taken a long breath and tell them nicely to take a part in the hoousekeeping chores. Could have told my cousin I wasn't ready to sit down hear about her first date. Should have taken a long and warm shower, calmed down and realize. Realize I am not in control of the world. I am not in charge here. I don't have to feel responsible for everything.

I need to learn how to differenciate between altruism and being used.
Today, I didn"t feel I was giving so much. I felt I was being taken advantage of. I will try to not let that happen again.

Have a great Shabath.

PS I realize this post is totally uninteresting, but it felt good unearthing these feelings.