Making new friends...

When you are single and all your friends seem to find their match pretty quickly, you're left out, friendless.

I felt like I had noone to talk to about my shidduchim issues, no one to hang out with, no shoulder to cry on when things went bad.
So one thing was left to do. I had to make new friends. At first, I thought it was impossible for 2 reasons.

Firstly because I felt I was betraying my real friends if I had other friends, and second, I HAD friends, and I didn't really need new ones, I just have to wait till I'm married too and then we can catch up !

And then I realized that they betrayed me when they got marreid ( well, not quite, but you get what I mean), and second, I have no way to know how long till I get married, so waiting to catch up is taking a risk.

So I made new friends. Friends I can relate to. Friends who can relate to me. Friends with whom I share dating stories and time to think about it. Friends who still have time to go grab ice-cream. Friends who don't talk about how awful it is to iron 16 white shirts in a row. Friends who don't complain about waking up at night to feed a crying baby.

And the worst part is, that with my new friends, we spend our time talking about how much we wanna be like them...

Am I being deloyal? I don't lose touch with my married friends, it's just that I need something else.

So here I say, thank you to my new friends, I couldn't go through singlehood without you. And you really are a friend to me, not just an 'in the meantime friend'.

Friends-in-law...

If there's one thing I never figured out how to handle is communicating with my friends-in-law.

As you might have understood, friends-in-law are the husbands of my friends. They are really close friends, and I consider their kids as my nieces and nephews, so I guess that turns their husbands into friends-in-law.

As I mentionned in my previous post, I never actually knew how to speak to a guy before I started dating ( and apparently, I still don't...). When a guy would come and talk to me, I would become suddenly extremely aggressive, as if I was trying to prevent any sort of communication and protect myself from the harm theses guys might cause to me.

But when a guy is off-limits, by being my best friend's husband, I don't feel that way. But nevertheless, it doesn't make me comfortable around them.

My best friend often invites me over, and I love going to her and I love my "almost niece". But I always ask if her husband's home, and if she answers positively, I kindly decline the invitation.
Now, her husband is a really nice guy, and talks to me, joins discussions I have with his wife, sometimes suggests a friend of his and so on...

Yet, I never feel comfortable around him. Or any other friend-in-law for that matter. And the reason is because I don't know where to set the boundaries. I never know when my friend will start to think that I'm being to friendly wiht her husband, yet I don't know if she feels I'm being to distant.

Halachically, I don't exactly know how this issue is dealt with, but what I do know is that there are boundaries to set.
Well, what are those boundaries? Not speaking? Politely smiling? Eating at the same table and having a free conversation.?

I don't know, and I keep hoping things will be different when I'll have a husband to "make things look right", but I'm not sure. If I am the one who has trouble developping a healthy relationship with my friends-in-law, no husband will change anything to the situation.

I have to find a balance between being tensed and pressured around them and developping an halachically healthy 'relationship', to hurt my friend the less possible (in either way)?

But how do I do that? Any tips?

When to tell? When to expect to be told?

I have never been the type to get insulted because someone got engaged without telling me beforehand. I totally respected their privacy, and if my friends didn't feel like telling me they were seeing someone, it was OK with me.

But now, things are different. I rent an appartment with four other girls. One of them, my roomate is actually a friend from school and from seminary. We have kind of an history, and we don't have what you'd call a trustful relationship. She has been doing stuff I don"t approve, but I told her straightforward I wanted to stay put of it She didn't like it, but I didn't care.

One of all the stuff  I disapproved turned out to be a serious story with a guy, and now they are to get engaged officially in a few weeks. I found out by teasing her to know if, during her stay home for Pesach, something came up. And she answered with an evasive "maybe, maybe". A few days later, I asked her to tell me more about it, and she ignored me. I figured that after all, I've been watching her going out with him for 5 months, I was entitled to know more than what I guessed. But, after all, I turned away when I told her I din"t want to be involved....

Vicious circle....

I feel insulted that she doesn't tell me more. We're still friends after all. But I turned her away. So she turns me away even more.
I turned her away because I didn't care. But I did.

I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't know why I feel insulted that she doesn't let me in her life when I was the one to leave it?

PS Totally useless post, I just needed to jot my feelings down.

A long long long day...

Okay, I am all confused and i need to write about it. Today was a very long day.

It started with a late wake-up, a long exam in college, a race through the streets of Jerusalem, an afternoon at my cousin's and a date ( not mine!!!), a quick meal in a old restaurant, and a huge screaming at my roomates.

After the ritual late wake-up, run to college, take your exam and come out, i promised my cousin I'd come over to help her get ready. Tonight, she had her very first date. I grabbed something to eat, and took a bus to arrive to her place. After small talk, we talked businness, i.e. what are you gonna wear???
We picked a nice black pinnifore and a top to go under it. And then it hit me. I have at home the perfect headband that would change the whole world. So I jumped in a cab, told him to drive me home, wait for me a few minutes, and take me back to where we came from. I ran up the stairs, grabbed THE headband, my makeup bag ( you never know if she has enough), a necklace that looked good to me to match her outfit, and flew back down the stairs. When I was at her place again, WE started getting ready for HER date. When we were sure she looked fabulous, I gave her some tips from an experienced dater, and we took off. I dropped her in front of the hotel she was supposed to meet Mr Perfect, and, I took a walk. My walk lead me, surprinsgly enoough to the Western Wall. The Kotel Hamaaravi. I davened Maariv, said some Tehilim, prayed that everything should go well for her down there in the lobby of that hotel, and proceeded to walk back. i stopped for a drink. Walked around again. No aim whatsoever, just walking. Then she called me. She was done and she was hungry. We met again, and I could see the excitement on her face. The excitement of someone who has just been allowed to enter a casino, or just been allowed to stay up late at night. Basically, the excitement of feeling a grown up, part of the world of people who make life-depending decisions.
The date wasn't amazing ( but after all, what does she know about dating?), we ate in a restaurant, and went back to my place. I told her to sleep over.
What I didn't expect was the house I'd find when arrivieng home.
The sink was full as if the entire BMG had supper by us, leftovers on the tables (afterall, we're talking about Yeshiva Bachurim), dirt on the floor, an indescribable mess on the dinig room table, the bathroom in a disgusting state.
That was too much for me. I started to put away the dishes, wash what was dirty, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up until I got a spotless house.
Oh, and along the way, I yelled. I yelled that I was fed up of living with girls ( all around my age), who basically do nothing during the day, and come home to a messy house, wher noones thinks of cleaning after himself, let alone do something for others. It felt good.

And of course, now that my appartment is spotless, my head is clear and I can think straight.
Why was I annoyed? Because the house was messy and dirty, or because the girls were so unconsiderate,

I am a giving person. I feel good when I do things for others, and I go absolutely nuts when I feel noone needs me. After all, during finals, I spent my whole afternoon picking an outfit for a date I didn't even think would work out.

I spend most of my davening time praying for my recently engaged brother, for my cousin on her first date, for my mother who's ill, for my single friends, for my friend's sister who was diagnosed with cancer. And then I asked Hashem to give me some strength and courage, to stay strong, to find a way for betterment within myself.

I am not a role model to the rest of the world, but there one thing I know I am not. Selfish. I am not selfish I am not selfabsorbed, selfcentered. My cousin asked me after 5 long hours how my exam was. None of the girls who live with me did. None of them offered to do their chores, and watched me sweating and feeling like a cleaning agent in a mall, where people come and go and don't really care about cleanliness.

I wanted to call home and find out how my mom's health was improving. no way to get through. I am nervous. So many things going on, so many mixed feelings. Anger, fear, sadness, proudness, selfpity and so on...

Hashem, I need help. I need to know how to focus on myself, not to get hurt by people who didn't mean to hurt me, who actually didn't. I need to learn patience and calmness.

I know I should have sat down, taken a long breath and tell them nicely to take a part in the hoousekeeping chores. Could have told my cousin I wasn't ready to sit down hear about her first date. Should have taken a long and warm shower, calmed down and realize. Realize I am not in control of the world. I am not in charge here. I don't have to feel responsible for everything.

I need to learn how to differenciate between altruism and being used.
Today, I didn"t feel I was giving so much. I felt I was being taken advantage of. I will try to not let that happen again.

Have a great Shabath.

PS I realize this post is totally uninteresting, but it felt good unearthing these feelings.