I get to say whatever I want, firstly because I don't belong to this social world, and secondly (and mostly, because this is an anonymus blog, and I don't even know if someone is reading it !!)
I registered on SYAS and Frumster ( I unregistered later because I don't believe in that kind of matchmaking/dating), but the one thing that struck me was to define your "Judaisme style" (copyright to a guy from SYAS who asked the question straight out in these words).
Whether you are a Modern Orthodox Machmir, or Yeshivish, or whatever else you are, you've just done the worst thing ever. You put yourself in a box, you have a sticker on your forehead stating a reality. That OBVIOUSLY makes you absolutely unmatchable with a guy who is slightly different in his dresscode or if his shabbos table looks different that it does in your house.
For example, a girl grew up in Flatbush, went to BJJ, learns in Touro and is amazingly involved in all kinds of chessed activities. Her father is a great learner, her mother is the best housewife/morah in town, her siblings are all perfect. They use real silverware on Shabbos, they stack the plates, don't use a plastic tablecloth, and her mother gets dressed and doesn't stay in a robe on friday night.
Well, there's no way she will marry an boy who grew up in Dallas, went to a local day school, learnt computers, left a year to learn in Aish Hatorah and went back to work, sticking to a Daf Hayomi Shiur. Oh, and by the way, he has middos that would make any BMG bachur blush, but who cares ! After all, he doesn't have kneidlach friday night because his mother never learnt how to make them, so she'd rather make vegetables and a meat loaf. So that make this BMG guy more eligible !
Labels. Boxes. Criterions.
To me, theses are the main causes of the so-called Shidduch crisis.
I find that people arez obsessed with the Shidduch crisis. But let's face it, a crisis is as much of a crisis as you consider it as one. The sidduch crisis has been invented and created by people to find an excuse to why they can't get married, just because there's no one like them available. Yes, true, no one like you available. And you know why? Because you are unique, like everyone else.
We're looking for a MATCH. Someone who matches your ambitions, onlook on life, lifestyle and so on. Who says his shabbos meals have to match yours? Who says her education should match yours ( to a certain extent obviously)?
Labels. Boxes. Criterions.
When you keeps putting people in boxes, it's very hard to look beyond the boundaries set for that specific box.
For example, you can fit in 'xxx' box if you only wear black and white, have horns and don't hunt. Silly, right?
Well, I don't find our labelling system that much smarter. Seriously, are you looking for a wife or for a sister who will fit in your family? You are about to start one of YOUR OWN !!!!!! Knowing that her familyhave plastic tablecloths and scrape plates won't make her a bad wife ! And knowing that his mother worked outside of the house won't make him a bad husband !!!!
As long as we keep on labelling people, putting them in boxes and having criterions that don't correspond to the reality we live in, the so-called shidduch crisis will go on.
This prevents a lot pf happy marriages to happen. Because people in one box can't date someone from a different box, although in terms of personality, character traits and smartness, they are much more compatible than anyone from their own box. How sad. How narrow-minded.
I personally have suffered from this. I find myself refusing suggestions that won't please my co-boxers. I have trouble saying yes to a wonderful guy whose family will be the talk of 'box' and our labels aren't the same color.
STOP. I beg of you, the whole Jewish world out there in NY and elsewhere. You are the one who can put an end to this. You can realize that people have value even if they don't exactly set the table the way you do it. Even if his background isn't as great as yours. Look at the present and the future you are about to build, about what you wanna become TOGETHER with your potential spouse. Because I think that this is what marriage is about. Future and togetherness. Don't look back, don't give importance to petty things that might stand in the way.
I am not trying to say I have a solution to the 'crisis'. I mean to say the solution is right in front of us. Tolerance. Open mindedness. Hope.
3 comments:
You make very good points, and the board at endthemaddness is replete with similar comments, however I cant' help wondering if it wasn’t always like this only with different names for the boxes?
I do believe similar interests and emotional connections matter a lot, nevertheless the "hat" and "tablecloth" remain the main consideration with many youngsters (and their parents), therefore I wonder if the real questions is :Isn't it worth to play the game along? Perhaps not, perhaps yes...
"Isn't it worth to play the game along? Perhaps not, perhaps yes... "
Stay tuned, it's the topic of my next post ...
Good points.
We have to think outside of the box. You'll probably like this poem that was posted on my blog a while ago.
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