Thanks to SIR and Sporadic Intelligence for the tip, I found my post on Google Reader, although it didn't appear on the blog itself.
Thanks to my friends from the blogosphere, you're being much more helpful and supportive than my friends in real life these days...
Ok, granted, I have absolutely no answer to this question.
But, when I give it some thought, look at the present situation, and see how the future presents himself, I can help it but wonder: Will I stay a good girl?
I am now what you'd call a good girl. I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs... Just kidding.
Seriously, I am a good girl, in college, away from home, and still dresses tzinius, stay in good company, don't have interactions with males outside the shidduch context, don't watch sick movies or listen to forbidden music. I have some values I am not ready to compromise for, yet not anymore under the influence of seminary craziness... Whatever, yeah, I guess a good girl.
But that doesn't mean I will stay like that forever. It's easy to be a good girl when you know that Big Brother's watching, or on a more realistic tone, that Hashem is watching every step of mine.
But, I have a deal with Him. I do my part, and You do yours. Yours being giving me everything I need to serve you to the best of my abilities.
But what if He didn't give me everything I need? I assume that at a certain age, what you need to feel some kind of acomplishment is a home of your own, a husband to admire, to love and to care about, children to feel you're giving and so on. Moreover, you need to feel part of a society, feel you have a status. Let's agree that yo have none of that when you're single in the Orthodox society.
So what if, at that critical age, I wasn't living this way? Then I wouldn't have to keep my part of the deal. I can do what I please.
With maturity going, I feel it's easier to detach yourself from other people principles and take responsability for your actions.
Theses two points combined, and I think I have every single chance of going off the Derech if I felt my life isn't going right and I don't care what people think.
And that scares me. I already feel I allow myself more and more leniency on different areas as time goes on. And I am fighting against my own self to stay strong and faithful to the way I grew up. But what if I loose this strength to fight, or even worse, the will to fight?
7 comments:
I understand this fear. It's legitimate, and I think a lot of us single gals have a similar fear. I have friends who are older singles and literally live through this painful feeling.
Here's what I can say: everything in life is about priorities. What's a bigger priority? Receiving personal satisfaction or working to make yourself into a person who you will be proud of after 120?
True Yirat HaShem is not conditional.
Did Yosef HaTzadik give in to potifar's wife? Was G-d doing "His part" by allowing Yosef to be away from all the Jews, sold to a horrible master like potifar, then being harrassed by potifar's wife and going to prison?
The answer is YES, G-d was doing His part. Our difficulties and sufferings in life are what mold us to be the strong, courageous individuals we are. Every time we suffer, it's a kaparat avonot. Each time, we are earning our chelek in Olam Haba. Each time, we're showing HaShem: I KNOW that I'm a neshama with a guf. Not a guf with a neshama.
I know that sometimes it can get lonely, and people (myself included) just feel like giving up. But as I initially stated: it's all about priorities. Do I only keep Torah when it's convenient for me? Do I feel like I'm a slave to my desires? Will I even be HAPPY after I do whatever I feel like doing? No. Most likely, I would feel guilty and horrible...and would regret it. And as would any frum Jew with Yirat Shamayim.
My best advice to you is to keep the chizzuk going. Don't wait until, chas v'shalom, being at the point that you fear of. Keep listening to shiurim, reading sefarim, doing G-d chessed, etc. to BUILD UP your character to make yourself stronger. To be willing to overcome the yetzer hara at any moment. That way, you're prepared for what ever it is HaShem has planned for your life.
Be'ezrat HaShem, may you find your zivug very soon with clarity and ease.
It's hard...especially when you are on your own.
SG-that was a beautiful comment. I agree with you. You need to build yourself up so that you don't reach to that point. You need to keep yourself strong and it takes real work.
But then you can look back and be happy with where you are in life. And then it's all worth it!
Remember that at the end of the day, you are responsible for the choices you make.
And in truth, Hashem doesn't owe you ANYTHING. He keeps you alive with all that entails. He gave you life and you're gonna tell Him how you want it to play out?!
If you think about all the things He DOES give you, then you'll realize that it's not about making a deal and keeping your half.
He gives you life and it's up to you to decide how you want to live it - regardless of the circumstances you find yourself in.
Life is not about what Hashem owes us, it's about living it in a way that leaves you feeling fulfilled - and that's through keeping the Torah properly.
It's easier to give up but much harder to live with that on a daily basis.
Be strong!!
I'm not sure - I think of Hashem constantly - but as being besides me, not waving a finger at me.
Going off the derech involves trying to prove disinterest in God. Is that what you are struggling against? Do you really desire leaving the fold?
There are plenty of frum people - frum meaning those who seek a relationship with Hashem - who will chat with boys (nothing wrong with that, halachically) and listen to music some would frown upon. They know their balance. It differs for others.
Great post, and I think one that all singles can relate to on some level. Like Sefardi Gal said so eloquently, it all comes down to priorities and recognizing what the right thing is and doing it regardless of the challenges in your way. Granted, easier said than done, but also the secret to success in all areas of life.
Thank you all for the comments.
Well, just to make things clear, I am not struggling to stay frum, I'm just saying that it looks so easy to just let go of everything, I'm scared that if I feel it's not worth it anymore, I'll just actually let go of everything...
But again, you're all right, and I know it ( it's just much more efficient to hear it from others ;) ), It's all about what I REALLY want in life, and, I'm still trying to figure that out, slowly but surely, getting it more accurate and precise each day...
i think the worrying about it is a good sign. it shows how meaningful it is to you, and that you aren't just going through the motions. so keep worrying and you know you'll be fine. lol
The most important thing in the entire world is to BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. I used to wear skirts and after a while I realized that the reason I was doing this was because I thought that I wanted a husband who would want his wife to wear skirts. But then I realized that at the end of the day... I don't want to be with a man who wants me to be someone I am not. Regardless of the pressures you may face about getting married, you must stay true to who you are. Otherwise you will never find your real bashert.
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