Time is a precious gift given to us by the Creator of the World. Paradoxically, He has no time. He's Past, Present and Future all at once.
I can think of one explanation for that phenomenon. Time is the most efficient tool for self-improvement. Look at the past, correct it in the present and the future, and watch the outcome of your efforts.
He does not need improvment, because He is Perfection. So He doesn't need time.
In dating, time is for sure an advantage. You mature, you get to meet more inspirationnal people, you get to give thoughts to a lot more things, refine and adjust your expectations and ambitions.
But I see in time a great danger too.
Another fear that I have regarding extended singlehood is the fear of loosing my objectivity.
Right now, I think I know myself, and I know what kind of life I want to build. But I'm scared. I'm sacred that if it takes too long to fidn the right guy, I might end up saying yes to a guy I don't feel is right, just so I'll be married.
Maybe I will compromise on things I feel are important to me, maybe I will overlook some issues, to make it look right, when deep down, I'll know it's not. But I'll be married, and that's what I'm looking for, no?
I have seen in my close and less close acquaintances the damages caused by divorce, mismatched couples etc. And I am so scared to be one of them. I think I keep that in mind all the time, to make sure I don't date or actually marry someone's who's not suitable.
But what if I lose patience, and lose this clarity of mind, and allow myself to go for things I normally wouldn't, just for the sake of marriage? And if I didn't work out in the, end, and I suffer, and i could have avoided it by being more carfeul?
6/03/2011
Making new friends...
When you are single and all your friends seem to find their match pretty quickly, you're left out, friendless.
I felt like I had noone to talk to about my shidduchim issues, no one to hang out with, no shoulder to cry on when things went bad.
So one thing was left to do. I had to make new friends. At first, I thought it was impossible for 2 reasons.
Firstly because I felt I was betraying my real friends if I had other friends, and second, I HAD friends, and I didn't really need new ones, I just have to wait till I'm married too and then we can catch up !
And then I realized that they betrayed me when they got marreid ( well, not quite, but you get what I mean), and second, I have no way to know how long till I get married, so waiting to catch up is taking a risk.
So I made new friends. Friends I can relate to. Friends who can relate to me. Friends with whom I share dating stories and time to think about it. Friends who still have time to go grab ice-cream. Friends who don't talk about how awful it is to iron 16 white shirts in a row. Friends who don't complain about waking up at night to feed a crying baby.
And the worst part is, that with my new friends, we spend our time talking about how much we wanna be like them...
Am I being deloyal? I don't lose touch with my married friends, it's just that I need something else.
So here I say, thank you to my new friends, I couldn't go through singlehood without you. And you really are a friend to me, not just an 'in the meantime friend'.
I felt like I had noone to talk to about my shidduchim issues, no one to hang out with, no shoulder to cry on when things went bad.
So one thing was left to do. I had to make new friends. At first, I thought it was impossible for 2 reasons.
Firstly because I felt I was betraying my real friends if I had other friends, and second, I HAD friends, and I didn't really need new ones, I just have to wait till I'm married too and then we can catch up !
And then I realized that they betrayed me when they got marreid ( well, not quite, but you get what I mean), and second, I have no way to know how long till I get married, so waiting to catch up is taking a risk.
So I made new friends. Friends I can relate to. Friends who can relate to me. Friends with whom I share dating stories and time to think about it. Friends who still have time to go grab ice-cream. Friends who don't talk about how awful it is to iron 16 white shirts in a row. Friends who don't complain about waking up at night to feed a crying baby.
And the worst part is, that with my new friends, we spend our time talking about how much we wanna be like them...
Am I being deloyal? I don't lose touch with my married friends, it's just that I need something else.
So here I say, thank you to my new friends, I couldn't go through singlehood without you. And you really are a friend to me, not just an 'in the meantime friend'.
5/29/2011
Are the people around me different, or am I?
I feel lost.
A few night ago, I went out with a group of friends to celebrate my recent roommate engagement. We were four, the four of us used to have such great times together, back then.
We went out for drinks, two of them married, the recently engaged friend, and my, the poor nebach single friend of the group. I couldn't follow discussions. It revolved around choosing a wedding gown, selecting a hall, then moved on to how hard it is to be in college and run a house, and even as far as discussing how they felt when they and their first baby.
You have to understand that I'm not a jealous person. I really don't care that the discussion doesn't revolve around me and that I don't care about the topics that are being brought up. And I usually don't really mind small talk. But for a reason I can't understand, I felt like i wasn't even there. I spent most of the time playing with my friend's baby, and it looked like they didn't even realize I wasn't taking part in the reunion.
I get it that when girls get married, their interests change and blablabla...
But I wonder if they really changed. After all, they all felt comfortable around each other, chatted and whatever. I didn't find any interest in their discussions, didn't feel the connection I used to feel around them, didn't even look forward to the reunion.
So, have they changed that they don't interest me anymore? Or have I? Am i different?
I think that one good thing about extended singlehood is that you have time to think, reflect, analyse, and make your own opinion about life, things, challenges and lots of other fascinating things. I like to look at it as a chance my friends who got married young didn't have, although they have lots of much better things to do than torture their mind wiht questions like I do. But what can you do, I don't have a baby to get up to feed during the night...
So maybe their talks don't interest me anymore because I have changed, I matured.
Or maybe, because life led us to take different paths, we were bound to change, all of us, according to the way we live?
I don't care what the anwer is, all I want are my friends back... no matter what it takes, I want my friends back...
A few night ago, I went out with a group of friends to celebrate my recent roommate engagement. We were four, the four of us used to have such great times together, back then.
We went out for drinks, two of them married, the recently engaged friend, and my, the poor nebach single friend of the group. I couldn't follow discussions. It revolved around choosing a wedding gown, selecting a hall, then moved on to how hard it is to be in college and run a house, and even as far as discussing how they felt when they and their first baby.
You have to understand that I'm not a jealous person. I really don't care that the discussion doesn't revolve around me and that I don't care about the topics that are being brought up. And I usually don't really mind small talk. But for a reason I can't understand, I felt like i wasn't even there. I spent most of the time playing with my friend's baby, and it looked like they didn't even realize I wasn't taking part in the reunion.
I get it that when girls get married, their interests change and blablabla...
But I wonder if they really changed. After all, they all felt comfortable around each other, chatted and whatever. I didn't find any interest in their discussions, didn't feel the connection I used to feel around them, didn't even look forward to the reunion.
So, have they changed that they don't interest me anymore? Or have I? Am i different?
I think that one good thing about extended singlehood is that you have time to think, reflect, analyse, and make your own opinion about life, things, challenges and lots of other fascinating things. I like to look at it as a chance my friends who got married young didn't have, although they have lots of much better things to do than torture their mind wiht questions like I do. But what can you do, I don't have a baby to get up to feed during the night...
So maybe their talks don't interest me anymore because I have changed, I matured.
Or maybe, because life led us to take different paths, we were bound to change, all of us, according to the way we live?
I don't care what the anwer is, all I want are my friends back... no matter what it takes, I want my friends back...
5/19/2011
1000 !!!
Just a short post to thank you all, this blog had more than 1000 visits since its creation !!!
Thank you all !!!
Thank you all !!!
5/17/2011
Multiple dating
I had an idea, and I came across that post from Premium Non Nocere, and as I commented there, my idea is slightly different.
Just to summarize, he offers multiple dating as a solution to increase your "chances of meeting that special someone"
I don't think triple dating is helpful if what you have is to pick the one you liked from the three, and possibly entering a conflict with your now-rival-dating-mate On the contrary, I think it might increase headaches, commitment issues and make decisions much harder to take.
Instead, two couples should be set up, but instead of having coffee face to face, they should have it all of them together, have a nice time, and from then on, if it went well, continue on regular dates, and keeping the other guy (if you're a girl, or vive-versa) totally out of the game.
The rules should be that none of the four ( or six ) people should know each other beforehand, nor be set up twice with a person, be it a same gender part, or opposite gender, occupying the position of the actual date or teh co-dater.
This will save us from awkward silences, from boring conversations just to fill the conventional 2 hours a first date is supposed to be, and I'll spare you the rest. You can just imagine from your own experiences...
A problem that might occur is that the human nature is to desire what you can't have, so great are the chances you'll look more into the person that isn't intended for you. Are we willing to take the risk?
Now, of course, Halachic authorities will never agree with this, as the will equate it to mixed socializing, and therefore not appropriate...
But I like my theory, and if my friends would set me up this way, I would definitely go for it... Or I think I will.
Only problem, I get really nervous before a date, so now I'll be twice (or three times) as nervous... Ouch !!!
Just to summarize, he offers multiple dating as a solution to increase your "chances of meeting that special someone"
I don't think triple dating is helpful if what you have is to pick the one you liked from the three, and possibly entering a conflict with your now-rival-dating-mate On the contrary, I think it might increase headaches, commitment issues and make decisions much harder to take.
Instead, two couples should be set up, but instead of having coffee face to face, they should have it all of them together, have a nice time, and from then on, if it went well, continue on regular dates, and keeping the other guy (if you're a girl, or vive-versa) totally out of the game.
The rules should be that none of the four ( or six ) people should know each other beforehand, nor be set up twice with a person, be it a same gender part, or opposite gender, occupying the position of the actual date or teh co-dater.
This will save us from awkward silences, from boring conversations just to fill the conventional 2 hours a first date is supposed to be, and I'll spare you the rest. You can just imagine from your own experiences...
A problem that might occur is that the human nature is to desire what you can't have, so great are the chances you'll look more into the person that isn't intended for you. Are we willing to take the risk?
Now, of course, Halachic authorities will never agree with this, as the will equate it to mixed socializing, and therefore not appropriate...
But I like my theory, and if my friends would set me up this way, I would definitely go for it... Or I think I will.
Only problem, I get really nervous before a date, so now I'll be twice (or three times) as nervous... Ouch !!!
Friends-in-law...
If there's one thing I never figured out how to handle is communicating with my friends-in-law.
As you might have understood, friends-in-law are the husbands of my friends. They are really close friends, and I consider their kids as my nieces and nephews, so I guess that turns their husbands into friends-in-law.
As I mentionned in my previous post, I never actually knew how to speak to a guy before I started dating ( and apparently, I still don't...). When a guy would come and talk to me, I would become suddenly extremely aggressive, as if I was trying to prevent any sort of communication and protect myself from the harm theses guys might cause to me.
But when a guy is off-limits, by being my best friend's husband, I don't feel that way. But nevertheless, it doesn't make me comfortable around them.
My best friend often invites me over, and I love going to her and I love my "almost niece". But I always ask if her husband's home, and if she answers positively, I kindly decline the invitation.
Now, her husband is a really nice guy, and talks to me, joins discussions I have with his wife, sometimes suggests a friend of his and so on...
Yet, I never feel comfortable around him. Or any other friend-in-law for that matter. And the reason is because I don't know where to set the boundaries. I never know when my friend will start to think that I'm being to friendly wiht her husband, yet I don't know if she feels I'm being to distant.
Halachically, I don't exactly know how this issue is dealt with, but what I do know is that there are boundaries to set.
Well, what are those boundaries? Not speaking? Politely smiling? Eating at the same table and having a free conversation.?
I don't know, and I keep hoping things will be different when I'll have a husband to "make things look right", but I'm not sure. If I am the one who has trouble developping a healthy relationship with my friends-in-law, no husband will change anything to the situation.
I have to find a balance between being tensed and pressured around them and developping an halachically healthy 'relationship', to hurt my friend the less possible (in either way)?
But how do I do that? Any tips?
As you might have understood, friends-in-law are the husbands of my friends. They are really close friends, and I consider their kids as my nieces and nephews, so I guess that turns their husbands into friends-in-law.
As I mentionned in my previous post, I never actually knew how to speak to a guy before I started dating ( and apparently, I still don't...). When a guy would come and talk to me, I would become suddenly extremely aggressive, as if I was trying to prevent any sort of communication and protect myself from the harm theses guys might cause to me.
But when a guy is off-limits, by being my best friend's husband, I don't feel that way. But nevertheless, it doesn't make me comfortable around them.
My best friend often invites me over, and I love going to her and I love my "almost niece". But I always ask if her husband's home, and if she answers positively, I kindly decline the invitation.
Now, her husband is a really nice guy, and talks to me, joins discussions I have with his wife, sometimes suggests a friend of his and so on...
Yet, I never feel comfortable around him. Or any other friend-in-law for that matter. And the reason is because I don't know where to set the boundaries. I never know when my friend will start to think that I'm being to friendly wiht her husband, yet I don't know if she feels I'm being to distant.
Halachically, I don't exactly know how this issue is dealt with, but what I do know is that there are boundaries to set.
Well, what are those boundaries? Not speaking? Politely smiling? Eating at the same table and having a free conversation.?
I don't know, and I keep hoping things will be different when I'll have a husband to "make things look right", but I'm not sure. If I am the one who has trouble developping a healthy relationship with my friends-in-law, no husband will change anything to the situation.
I have to find a balance between being tensed and pressured around them and developping an halachically healthy 'relationship', to hurt my friend the less possible (in either way)?
But how do I do that? Any tips?
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