3/27/2011

A year later...

I know many of you (is there a you to adress? Do I have readers?)  won't believe to what I am about to say.

In a very near future, I am going to be dating someone. Nothing exciting so far. But yes, it is exciting. For me. Because I haven't dated a single boy in the past year.
I know it sounds pathetic. But that's the way it is.
I guess it explains the name of the blog. I felt stuck. Not like people who hate Shidduchim, or people who are actively looking for the One. I felt like on a highway, the highway of life, sitting in my car, where there is so much traffic, that the best I can I do is to turn off my car, so that a least I won't be harmful to the planet. And stay still. And feeling STUCK.

That's pretty much what I've been doing for the past year. Staying still. Feeling Stuck.
Now there are a lot of reasons why it happened this way. One of them is that exactly a year ago, I was dating this amazing guy, and it ended badly and I had a hard time getting over this whole episode.
And many many many other things came up, making it not the right time to date.
But now it's coming again. I guess the time has come

And my question is: Is dating like riding a bike? Can you forget how to do it? Or once you've learnt how it goes, you can't delete it rom your memory?

I guess I'm nervous...

3/10/2011

Shidduch Crisis...

I got it !! Now I understand why americans are always talking about a shidduch crisis...
I get to say whatever I want, firstly because I don't belong to this social world, and secondly (and mostly, because this is an anonymus blog, and I don't even know if someone is reading it !!)

I registered on SYAS and Frumster ( I unregistered later because I don't believe in that kind of matchmaking/dating), but the one thing that struck me was to define your "Judaisme style" (copyright to a guy from SYAS who asked the question straight out in these words).
Whether you are a Modern Orthodox Machmir, or Yeshivish, or whatever else you are, you've just done the worst thing ever. You put yourself in a box, you have a sticker on your forehead stating a reality. That OBVIOUSLY makes you absolutely unmatchable with a guy who is slightly different in his dresscode or if his shabbos table looks different that it does in your house.

For example, a girl grew up in Flatbush, went to BJJ, learns in Touro and is amazingly involved in all kinds of chessed activities. Her father is a great learner, her mother is the best housewife/morah in town, her siblings are all perfect. They use real silverware on Shabbos, they stack the plates, don't use a plastic tablecloth, and her mother gets dressed and doesn't stay in a robe on friday night.
Well, there's no way she will marry an boy who grew up in Dallas, went to a local day school, learnt computers, left a year to learn in Aish Hatorah and went back to work, sticking to a Daf Hayomi Shiur. Oh, and by the way, he has middos that would make any BMG bachur blush, but who cares ! After all, he doesn't have kneidlach friday night because his mother never learnt how to make them, so she'd rather make vegetables and a meat loaf. So that make this BMG guy more eligible !

Labels. Boxes. Criterions.
To me, theses are the main causes of the so-called Shidduch crisis.
I find that people arez obsessed with the Shidduch crisis. But let's face it, a crisis is as much of a crisis as you consider it as one. The sidduch crisis has been invented and created by people to find an excuse to why they can't get married, just because there's no one like them available. Yes, true, no one like you available. And you know why? Because you are unique, like everyone else.



We're looking for a MATCH. Someone who matches your ambitions, onlook on life, lifestyle and so on. Who says his shabbos meals have to match yours? Who says her education should match yours ( to a certain extent obviously)?

Labels. Boxes. Criterions.
When you keeps putting people in boxes, it's very hard to look beyond the boundaries set for that specific box.
For example, you can fit in 'xxx' box if you only wear black and white, have horns and don't hunt. Silly, right?
Well, I don't find our labelling system that much smarter. Seriously, are you looking for a wife or for a sister who will fit in your family? You are about to start one of YOUR OWN !!!!!! Knowing that her familyhave plastic tablecloths and scrape plates won't make her a bad wife ! And knowing that his mother worked outside of the house won't make him a bad husband !!!!

As long as we keep on labelling people, putting them in boxes and having criterions that don't correspond to the reality we live in, the so-called shidduch crisis will go on.

This prevents a lot pf happy marriages to happen. Because people in one box can't date someone from a different box, although in terms of personality, character traits and smartness, they are much more compatible than anyone from their own box. How sad. How narrow-minded.

I personally have suffered from this. I find myself refusing suggestions that won't please my co-boxers. I have trouble saying yes to a wonderful guy whose family will be the talk of 'box' and our labels aren't the same color.

STOP. I beg of you, the whole Jewish world out there in NY and elsewhere. You are the one who can put an end to this. You can realize that people have value even if they don't exactly set the table the way you do it. Even if his background isn't as great as yours. Look at the present and the future you are about to build, about what you wanna become TOGETHER with your potential spouse. Because I think that this is what marriage is about. Future and togetherness. Don't look back, don't give importance to petty things that might stand in the way.

I am not trying to say I have a solution to the 'crisis'. I mean to say the solution is right in front of us. Tolerance. Open mindedness. Hope.

How a P'Sak becomes Halacha.... (ie: How a bill becomes a law)

I got this in a email today... Funny... and sadly true on many many many topics which drive us all crazy... and make the world of Shidduchim even more complicated...

Many years ago, in a far away country, there was a well-known rabbi who was consulted on all sorts of matters relating to the Jewish people. His wise counsel was sought from people of all walks of life, and the community at large accepted his decisions, as they understood that his rulings and pronouncements were divinely inspired. So when one time he met with some parents of his students, and a few mothers complained that their children were not making their beds, he assured them that he would deal with the matter. That week, in his public address to his students, he mentioned that the students should always make sure to make their beds in the morning.



When the person transcribing the speech wrote up his review of the talk, he made sure to emphasize the rabbi's intention. He wrote, "The Rosh Yeshiva today ruled that one is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning." Word spread fast. The halacha had been established: One was obligated to make their bed.

Later that day, someone came to the Rosh Yeshiva and asked, "I don't have time to make my bed before I go to davening. By the time I get back my mother is gone for the day so she doesn't think I make my bed, and isn't pleased. What should I do?" After hearing the answer that was given, the halacha was suitably amended to say that the bed should be made as soon as one gets up. "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, as soon as he gets up."The next day, he was approached by a bochur that wanted to know, "When you said 'as soon as he gets up', do you mean immediately - right when one steps out of the bed - or is one allowed some time first? So they added to the text: "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, soon after he gets up."
"How long soon after?" he was immediately asked. "How much time exactly?" "10-15 minutes?", he replied, figuring that's a reasonable amount of time. And so it was added: "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, within 10-15 minutes from when he gets up."
The bochurim found this to be a satisfactory resolution, but unsurprisingly, it resulted in some bochurim insisting that it should be made by 10 minutes, and others saying it was fine to wait even 15 minutes. After some time, they settled on an unofficial resolution by considering 10 minutes to be the first zman, and 15 minutes the second zman.
Things went along smoothly until one day a bochur came over and explained to him a problem he had run into. "My roommate doesn't like the way I make my bed! He claims it's not really made!" "What do you mean?", asked the Rosh Yeshiva. "Well, he claims that for a bed to be considered 'made' the pillow needs to be on top and the sides need to be even or tucked in, and I just lay out the cover on top, covering everything, however it comes out. What should I do?" The Rosh Yeshiva mulled this over for a while, and replied: You're allowed to make it however your family does it. What's acceptable to your mother (or father) is acceptable here. Hakol k'minhago. An addition was added to the halacha: "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, within 10-15 minutes from when he gets up. The manner of making the bed should be done according to one's established minhag." (Later that week when the bochurim went home for the weekend, many parents were somewhat confused when they were asked by their sons, "What is the minhag of our family of how to make our beds?", but they figured it was all part of the tremendous spiritual growth they could see in their young bnei torah.)

One morning a few weeks later, as shacharis was beginning, the Rosh Yeshiva was notified about an argument that had broken out between 2 bochurim. Approaching their room, he heard loud shouting through the closed door. As he entered, he found one of the bochurim vehemently yelling at the other. Seeing him come in, the young man turned to him and exclaimed loudly, "Rebbe! I'm so glad you're here! I tried to get him to make his bed but he wouldn't listen! He just ignored me, and now it's 5 minutes after the zman, and look - his bed is still not made!" Before the Rosh Yeshiva had a chance to respond, the other bochur quickly spoke up in his defense, "That's not true. I only got out of bed 2 minutes ago! I still have 8 minutes until the zman!" "Yes, he only got out of bed 2 minutes ago. But he woke up 20 minutes ago! That means he should have made his bed 10 minutes ago!"It was clear that there needed to be some clarification: When the psak was issued that a bed must be made 10-15 minutes after getting up, did 'after getting up' mean after waking up ('m'sha'as kumuso') or did it mean after getting out of bed ('m'sha'as yitziaso')?
At this point a small crowd had gathered around the room and a vociferous discussion had broken out. Everyone started buzzing, talking, sharing their thoughts of why it meant this interpretation and not the other one. Realizing what was happening, the Rosh Yeshiva put an abrupt stop to it all by loudly demanding that everyone should immediately go to davening and they would deal with it later on. By lunchtime that day the Rosh Yeshiva had still not addressed the burning issue and a fierce debate had already broken out in the halls of the yeshiva. Even the rabbeim had gotten involved. Some felt that the halacha had to mean from when a person got out of bed, because as they explained, "if it meant 'from when he woke up' then the first thing he would have to do upon awaking would be to look at his clock and remember the time. But this can't be, because we all know that the first thing a person must do when he wakes up is say 'modeh ani'. Therefore it must mean 'from when he gets out of bed'."In spite of this convincing logic others still held it was better to be machmir and go by from when a person wakes up and not to wait until he gets out of bed. They pointed out that all that was needed to avoid the above-mentioned conflict was to first say modeh ani and then subtract 10 seconds from whenever he first looks at the clock. "But not all clock have second hands on them," countered the first opinion, "and besides, it is too easy to forget the exact time including the seconds."The machmirim had a ready response: "Firstly, someone who cares about the halacha properly can make sure to have a clock with seconds on it, and secondly, he should also have a paper and pen next to his clock so he can mark down the proper time, in order to avoid the chance of forgetting it."Seeing that positions had already been staked out in this dispute, the Rosh Yeshiva decided not to voice his own opinion and instead told everyone to go by whatever their rebbe held.

Unfortunately, this had the effect of causing a lot of machlokes in the school as some people didn't agree with their rabbeim, and resented being forced out of their beds sooner than they preferred. The problems were soon settled when a young illuy came up with an ingenious solution. He pointed out that even though someone had woken up, if they had in mind that they were sleeping it was like they actually were, since 'machshava k'ma'ase'. Although his reasoning was roundly rejected by many others, it satisfied those lazier bochurim and they let the matter slide. No one was much surprised at their reaction, as these sorts of students had already demonstrated their laxity of the halacha when it was realized that they were deliberately getting dressed while still sitting in their bed, in order to give themselves more time until the zman of 'when you get up' would commence (according to the shita of m'sha'as yitziaso).
For a brief while the yeshiva. had some omplaints from bochurim who wanted to switch rooms because their roommates were not keeping what they felt was the right zman for making their beds. Already very disturbed by the problems that the previous issue had caused and not wanting to cause any more machlokes in the yeshiva, the Rosh Yeshiva wisely dealt with the problem by declaring that if anyone was concerned about another not making the zman, they were allowed to make the other persons bed for them, as long as the first one had da'as that the other would be yotzei for himself. He also said that the person making the bed didn't have to specific da'as because obviously if he was making it he had da'as to do such a thing.
Despite that, it wasn't uncommon to hear people loudly declaring, "Have in mind to be yotzei so-and-so when making his bed!"

Some months after the initial psak was issued, an enterprising bochur started selling a unique clock that had a special alarm. The alarm would wake you up, and when you pushed the right button it would turn off and ring 9 minutes later to remind you that you had 1 minute left to make your bed. He actually also made a second one that gave you 14 minutes instead of 9,but no one bought it since they felt it was better not to be meikel.



Another issue that the yeshiva had to resolve was that according to the opinions that one must make their beds from when they first woke up, what was to be done if someone fell asleep again shortly after waking up? After much learned discussion it was decided that falling back asleep wasn't a problem, and the zman only started after the real, final waking up. This was derived from the situation of if one woke up in the middle of the night: Was he then obligated to make his bed shortly after? For a brief time, some people in the yeshiva began to follow this custom.
But when the Rosh Yeshiva ruled that it wasn't necessary, they understood from that that the zman only began after the last, real waking up.

These events all occurred many, many years ago, and boruch hashem nowadays it isn't as heated an issue as it once was. Everyone understands and accepts the principles of eilu v'eilu divrei Elokim chaim, minhag avoseinu b'yadeinu, ba'al nefesh yachmir, and shomer p'saim hashem. Each person has a tradition or chumra that he's entitled to follow. In addition, there have been many wonderful books written on this subject, most recently Artscroll's splendid translation of Hilchos Ish U'Mitoso, which sheds much light on this subject for the average layman (also available in a laminated, newly type-set, pocket edition that one can keep by their bed!).

However legend has it that if you go to this yeshiva and poke in on some of the rooms, you'll still occasionally find a bochur here and there that tries to be extra zahir in this inyan and - even on a cold winter night - will sleep on top of his carefully made blanket so that he never will - chas v'chalila!- find his bed unmade past the proper zman!To receive a laminated, large print edition of the special tefila to say before making your bed, please send a fax to 1800-BE-ZAHIR with your proper mailing address and we will be glad to send you one free of charge…