The danger of time.

Time is a precious gift given to us by the Creator of the World. Paradoxically, He has no time. He's Past, Present and Future all at once.

I can think of one explanation for that phenomenon. Time is the most efficient tool for self-improvement. Look at the past, correct it in the present and the future, and watch the outcome of your efforts.
He does not need improvment, because He is Perfection. So He doesn't need time.

In dating, time is for sure an advantage. You mature, you get to meet more inspirationnal people, you get to give thoughts to a lot more things, refine and adjust your expectations and ambitions.
But I see in time a great danger too.

Another fear that I have regarding extended singlehood is the fear of loosing my objectivity.

Right now, I think I know myself, and I know what kind of life I want to build. But I'm scared. I'm sacred that if it takes too long to fidn the right guy, I might end up saying yes to a guy I don't feel is right, just so I'll be married.

Maybe I will compromise on things I feel are important to me, maybe I will overlook some issues, to make it look right, when deep down, I'll know it's not. But I'll be married, and that's what I'm looking for, no?

I have seen in my close and less close acquaintances the damages caused by divorce, mismatched couples etc. And I am so scared to be one of them. I think I keep that in mind all the time, to make sure I don't date or actually marry someone's who's not suitable.
But what if I lose patience, and lose this clarity of mind, and allow myself to go for things I normally wouldn't, just for the sake of marriage? And if I didn't work out in the, end, and I suffer, and i could have avoided it by being more carfeul?

Will I ever be a good mother?

One of the things a full time student does to make a little money is ... babysitting.
The worth part of it is, that sometimes, I don't even get paid. But that's a choice. When I watch my best friend's baby, or my first cousin's 2 adorabel kids, I don't ask for money. But that's not what I wanna blog about...

I went one night to my cousin's house, and took care of her kids. I loved it ! Feed 'em, undress them, changing nappies, putting them to bed etc... I loved it !!
I loved being a mom for a few hours.

The next day, my best frienf called me saying she had this class in college till 7 PM that couldn't be missed, and asked me if she could leave her 7 months old adorable baby girl with me. Of course I agreed. And again, it was so much fun ! Playing with her, making a bottle, feeding her, watching every move of hers, putting her to sleep and so on...
I loved being a mum for a few hours.

A few days later, a girl around my age ( I did'nt know her) called me to ask me if I could come to her house and babysit her 11 month old daughter. I agreed, and I went. Same stuff. Make a bottle, feed, change, put to sleep and so on...
I hated being a mum for a few hours.

I sat down when she was sleeping and give that some thought. I hate dit because I didn't feel anything towards this kid. I loved taking care of babies I knew and babies I loved. I didn't like to take care of a total stranger.
And then I thought of the time when Iy"h I'll be a real mom. And when I'll wake up after labor in an hospital room, an they will pt my baby on me, and I got scared. What if i felt this baby was a total stranger to me. What if carrying him for 9 monhs didn't create a connection, a relationship. What if I was a bad mother? What if I didn't love my kids? And even worse, what if my kids knew it and didn't love me? This got me really really scared. It was even off-putting, because that kind of thought doesn't just go away.

No, I can't be a bad mother. I had an amazing one, I love kids, i will hopefully love mine. Hopefully. Here I go again.
And what if not??????????
That's it.
I'm officially scared of getting married because I'm scared of being a bad mom.