The feeling of being judged

I feel judged.

I feel judged by my roommates, watching me get up late, and thinking “what is she still doing in bed?”
I feel judged by the cashier at the grocery store, scanning the items and thinking “how can she eat so much?”
I feel judged by my classmates, watching me scribbling on my notebook, thinking “why is she not taking notes?”
I feel judged by the people in the street, staring at me, thinking about my look, my hair, my clothes, my extra pounds, my shoes, my bag, the expression on my face, thinking “ how can she look like this if she’s trying to get married?”

I feel judged by the guy at the gym, by the kid in the bus, by my teacher. I feel judged.

I feel that people are constantly assessing me, according to their own standards, and putting me down, pulling me down. I want to tell them I don’t care, that I am indifferent to their judgment, and that they should get a life.

But why does it disturb me so much? Because those things really bother me. Because I wish I could get out of bed faster, and I wish I could stop spending money on food, etc..

And then I realized. I realized people aren’t judging me. I am. I am judging myself.

I feel guilty to stay late in bed, and I feel guilty to buy so much junk food, and I feel guilty to sit in class without taking notes, and I feel guilty not to be able to lose way and make some efforts into my looks. But it’s much easier to find that other people make quick judgments without getting the whole picture, than actually do something about all those things that deep inside, scream for improvement.

People don't judge, becuse people don't actually care. Or they have thoughts thats, weirdly, don't match at all our assumptions. Maybe the girl next to me in class, wondering how can I remember everything whithout jotting it down and she's jealous. Maybe people in the street think, wow, she walks fast, or, maybe, they are not even thinking anything, they are just looking, because, you've go look somewhere...

So here I go, back to square one, with my issues. They distub me and only me, and I am the only one who can deal with it.