Not a good match...

Sometimes, you look at two food items to put in your sandwich and you decide it's not a good match.

Sometimes, you pick two clothes and try them on, only to decide, it's not a good match.

Sometimes, when you meet someone, yo can tell very quickly that it's not a good match.

Sometimes you try to set up people only to hear that, despite your intentions, it's not a good match.

Lately, I've been trying to convince my self that I could make a match.
So I tried, only to find out, that blogging and finals, it's not a good match...

So I'll quit blogging for a while (if I can do that) and will be back as soon as all these are over...

Hidden information

Okay fellow bloggers, I have a question, and I really need answers from all of you.

Let's say you were dating someone whom you know has/had family issues. What are the things you need to know? What are the things, that if they were not said to you ( whether before or during the dating process) would make you change your mind about the person and break up even though you like him/her before knowing that?

( Hope I'm being clear, but if I'm not, it's understandable. I am not in a clear state of mind these days. Blame college, finals, family, and last but not least, this crazy dating world)


Added on after reading comments and emails:

This is meant to be a vague question

Wondering...

Just came back from a friend's wedding. Was one of the very few single girls. Just wondering. Is this ever gonna be me? Am I ever gonna be the one in the white gown, looking happy, feeling whole?

Taking 'no' for answer, and giving justification

So here comes my list of "non-arguable excuses you get when being dumped":

- Looks: You can't convince a person to find someone else pretty or attractive, and trust me, you don't want to.

I get it a lot, because I am kinda tall, and guys don't really like taller girls. I can't force them and if I were a guy, I'd probably think the same way...

- Money: I don't have it know, and it won't happen overnight, so keep looking, I don't come with 20grands... and I understand if money occupies an important place in your life, although it doesn't in mine...

  

I guess these are things that even with the strongest willpower I can have, are things I will never be able to change, and therefore see no need to argue about them, because to me, they're on the one side, legitimate, on the other, you can't change a person's mind about them...

 

But more importantly, there are reasons people refuse a shidduch that I don't understand. At all.

- Family matters: refusing to date an orphan, a child of divorced parents, without even enquiring what happened and how the person went through it.

- "It doesn't feel right" As long as it doesnt feel wrong, go for it. Dig more. you'll know soon enough

- "Someone told me he thinks it's not compatible for a reason he won't specify." And you wouldn't double check?

Again, it's not about agreeing or not with the decision, as in most cases you don't really have a choice. It's about understanding it, accepting it with peace of mind, no regrets, and being able to sincerely wish the other side only good things.

When I get an "It doesn't feel right, although nothing's wrong", I have a hard time understanding. Why don't people actually wait to have a reason to break up? Or if there is one, find a tactful way to say it? Afterall, we're adults, capable of disussing issues without insulting or getting insulted?

Be honest, it'll help you and the other side move on in the dating process more easily. If you know what disturbed someone, you might decide it's actually something you'd wanna work on to better yourself, or not.

If you'd have to give a full report on the date, then you'd be force to face what actually bothered you, and it'll ease and make for successful further dating experiences, by avoiding repeated patterns...

I think it's stupid that people have to make up a reason for breaking up. I think that if someone is not ready to say it outloud, it might be that it's not clear in his mind. As a famous French writer sais '(Boileau, for whoever wants to check) "Whatever is well understood is clearly told, and words to say it flow easily".

Sometimes, it's because you don't want hurt the other side. Ever heard of "all is fair in love and war"? Shidduch dating is one or the other. Be prepared, you will hear 'not nice things', but don't get hurt, it's not you, it's the couple you were trying to create that is being rejected, the potential future etc...

  

Come on, be a man !! Say it ! Don't make excuses ! Say what you have to say! Face the issues that came up ! Be honest, and without hurting, give a valid reason for breaking off/refusing a shidduch!You'll benefit from it, and so will your date...

When do you take 'no' for an answer?

I read this article from Thinking Jew Girl about deal breakers.
She wonders what is a deal breaker in a relationship?

I would say there are none for me. Every human being is complex and one trait can be okay in someone and totally off putting in someone else.

That of course excludes things that are universally defined as not normal, such as mental disorders and criminal records

Even Middos are by defintion 'measures' and are to be taken into consideration with the whole picture, and not isolated from a person, a context, an education.

My question goes the other way round. If we have deal breakers, so do guys.

When a guy doesn't agree to date you, or calls off the shidduch, when do you 'accept' his decision? Sometimes they just make excuses, sometimes it's legitimate.

What are the things that you understand and accept, if the guy refuses to date you, or see you again?
When do you take 'no' for an answer?

It's not like we really have a choice when we get dumped, but we have the choice to understand and accept his point of view.

Personally, there a excuses I don't agree with. I mean that I wish I could explain to him how wrong he is for refusing because of that specific point ( not the general situation). And there are reasons given you can't argue with, either because it's legitimate, or so unrationnal, that no reasoning can compete.

I wanna read what you have to say before coming up with my own list.

So, dear reader?
What are the things that you understand and accept, if the guy refuses to date you or see you again?
When do you take 'no' for and answer?

The danger of time.

Time is a precious gift given to us by the Creator of the World. Paradoxically, He has no time. He's Past, Present and Future all at once.

I can think of one explanation for that phenomenon. Time is the most efficient tool for self-improvement. Look at the past, correct it in the present and the future, and watch the outcome of your efforts.
He does not need improvment, because He is Perfection. So He doesn't need time.

In dating, time is for sure an advantage. You mature, you get to meet more inspirationnal people, you get to give thoughts to a lot more things, refine and adjust your expectations and ambitions.
But I see in time a great danger too.

Another fear that I have regarding extended singlehood is the fear of loosing my objectivity.

Right now, I think I know myself, and I know what kind of life I want to build. But I'm scared. I'm sacred that if it takes too long to fidn the right guy, I might end up saying yes to a guy I don't feel is right, just so I'll be married.

Maybe I will compromise on things I feel are important to me, maybe I will overlook some issues, to make it look right, when deep down, I'll know it's not. But I'll be married, and that's what I'm looking for, no?

I have seen in my close and less close acquaintances the damages caused by divorce, mismatched couples etc. And I am so scared to be one of them. I think I keep that in mind all the time, to make sure I don't date or actually marry someone's who's not suitable.
But what if I lose patience, and lose this clarity of mind, and allow myself to go for things I normally wouldn't, just for the sake of marriage? And if I didn't work out in the, end, and I suffer, and i could have avoided it by being more carfeul?

Making new friends...

When you are single and all your friends seem to find their match pretty quickly, you're left out, friendless.

I felt like I had noone to talk to about my shidduchim issues, no one to hang out with, no shoulder to cry on when things went bad.
So one thing was left to do. I had to make new friends. At first, I thought it was impossible for 2 reasons.

Firstly because I felt I was betraying my real friends if I had other friends, and second, I HAD friends, and I didn't really need new ones, I just have to wait till I'm married too and then we can catch up !

And then I realized that they betrayed me when they got marreid ( well, not quite, but you get what I mean), and second, I have no way to know how long till I get married, so waiting to catch up is taking a risk.

So I made new friends. Friends I can relate to. Friends who can relate to me. Friends with whom I share dating stories and time to think about it. Friends who still have time to go grab ice-cream. Friends who don't talk about how awful it is to iron 16 white shirts in a row. Friends who don't complain about waking up at night to feed a crying baby.

And the worst part is, that with my new friends, we spend our time talking about how much we wanna be like them...

Am I being deloyal? I don't lose touch with my married friends, it's just that I need something else.

So here I say, thank you to my new friends, I couldn't go through singlehood without you. And you really are a friend to me, not just an 'in the meantime friend'.