Okay fellow bloggers, I have a question, and I really need answers from all of you.
Let's say you were dating someone whom you know has/had family issues. What are the things you need to know? What are the things, that if they were not said to you ( whether before or during the dating process) would make you change your mind about the person and break up even though you like him/her before knowing that?
( Hope I'm being clear, but if I'm not, it's understandable. I am not in a clear state of mind these days. Blame college, finals, family, and last but not least, this crazy dating world)
Added on after reading comments and emails:
This is meant to be a vague question
6 comments:
This is very vague, so I am not sure exactly what the question is. Most things depend on the situation. In general I think unless there is a major problem, something that really affects the person, then there is no reason to know every detail of family politics in advance. Not sure if that answers your question, but good luck!!
Dear Stuck in Shidduchim,
You did not provide enough information, which explains why so few people answered your question.
But there is one suggestion I can make:
If you marry this person, how often will you and he see his parents?
If his parents live far away and do not visit often, then your problems with his parents become less important.
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@Mr Cohen
Who said I was talking about his family? I am looking for an objective answer and therefore purposely didn't detail. That being said, your suggestion is valid and you"re right, when family isn't exactly right,, distance does play a crucial role.
It's important to know the things that will have an everlasting effect on the boy in question. If he grew up in, let's just say, a dysfunctional home, how has this affected his upbringing and who he is as a person today? If he had an abusive past, will he still be a loving and caring husband/father or does he have abusive tendencies?
If there are medical issues in the family that are hereditary, that is also something one must know about before taking the relationship another step forward.
There's no way to tell when to say these things - especially since it sounds like it's the other side who you are asking about - this is something that must be discussed with da'as torah or a rebbe because that's who can give the final decision on something as serious as this.
If the child comes from a divorced home, it's important to talk about how he feels about it, his relationship with both of his parents (because that says a LOT about him as a person)and how it affected him.
The key is communication. Talking things out before may help clarify a lot and prevent much heartache and confusion. If all the cards are put on the table, the girl can decide for herself if she is ready to move on with such a step or if it's too much for her.
I read this post on Reader, and then I clicked on it so I can come here and comment, but Devorah covered everything!
MW-thanks, that's really sweet of you!
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