Thank you all for your wishes...
May Hashem help all the single bloggers find their zivug as easily as I found mine...
I think I'm quitting blogging, but I will keep reading your posts with much interests...
Thnak you for having been here along the way...
7/23/2011
7/19/2011
The End
Or not really. It's not the end, it's not even the begining of the end. It's the end of the beginning. Cuz it all starts now. Cuz guess what?
I'm not Stuck In Shidduchim anymore...
הודו לה' כי לא תמנו כי לא כלו חסדיו
6/28/2011
Not a good match...
Sometimes, you look at two food items to put in your sandwich and you decide it's not a good match.
Sometimes, you pick two clothes and try them on, only to decide, it's not a good match.
Sometimes, when you meet someone, yo can tell very quickly that it's not a good match.
Sometimes you try to set up people only to hear that, despite your intentions, it's not a good match.
Lately, I've been trying to convince my self that I could make a match.
So I tried, only to find out, that blogging and finals, it's not a good match...
So I'll quit blogging for a while (if I can do that) and will be back as soon as all these are over...
Sometimes, you pick two clothes and try them on, only to decide, it's not a good match.
Sometimes, when you meet someone, yo can tell very quickly that it's not a good match.
Sometimes you try to set up people only to hear that, despite your intentions, it's not a good match.
Lately, I've been trying to convince my self that I could make a match.
So I tried, only to find out, that blogging and finals, it's not a good match...
So I'll quit blogging for a while (if I can do that) and will be back as soon as all these are over...
6/26/2011
Hidden information
Okay fellow bloggers, I have a question, and I really need answers from all of you.
Let's say you were dating someone whom you know has/had family issues. What are the things you need to know? What are the things, that if they were not said to you ( whether before or during the dating process) would make you change your mind about the person and break up even though you like him/her before knowing that?
( Hope I'm being clear, but if I'm not, it's understandable. I am not in a clear state of mind these days. Blame college, finals, family, and last but not least, this crazy dating world)
Added on after reading comments and emails:
This is meant to be a vague question
Let's say you were dating someone whom you know has/had family issues. What are the things you need to know? What are the things, that if they were not said to you ( whether before or during the dating process) would make you change your mind about the person and break up even though you like him/her before knowing that?
( Hope I'm being clear, but if I'm not, it's understandable. I am not in a clear state of mind these days. Blame college, finals, family, and last but not least, this crazy dating world)
Added on after reading comments and emails:
This is meant to be a vague question
6/17/2011
Wondering...
Just came back from a friend's wedding. Was one of the very few single girls. Just wondering. Is this ever gonna be me? Am I ever gonna be the one in the white gown, looking happy, feeling whole?
6/14/2011
Taking 'no' for answer, and giving justification
So here comes my list of "non-arguable excuses you get when being dumped":
- Looks: You can't convince a person to find someone else pretty or attractive, and trust me, you don't want to.
I get it a lot, because I am kinda tall, and guys don't really like taller girls. I can't force them and if I were a guy, I'd probably think the same way...
- Money: I don't have it know, and it won't happen overnight, so keep looking, I don't come with 20grands... and I understand if money occupies an important place in your life, although it doesn't in mine...
I guess these are things that even with the strongest willpower I can have, are things I will never be able to change, and therefore see no need to argue about them, because to me, they're on the one side, legitimate, on the other, you can't change a person's mind about them...
But more importantly, there are reasons people refuse a shidduch that I don't understand. At all.
- Family matters: refusing to date an orphan, a child of divorced parents, without even enquiring what happened and how the person went through it.
- "It doesn't feel right" As long as it doesnt feel wrong, go for it. Dig more. you'll know soon enough
- "Someone told me he thinks it's not compatible for a reason he won't specify." And you wouldn't double check?
Again, it's not about agreeing or not with the decision, as in most cases you don't really have a choice. It's about understanding it, accepting it with peace of mind, no regrets, and being able to sincerely wish the other side only good things.
When I get an "It doesn't feel right, although nothing's wrong", I have a hard time understanding. Why don't people actually wait to have a reason to break up? Or if there is one, find a tactful way to say it? Afterall, we're adults, capable of disussing issues without insulting or getting insulted?
Be honest, it'll help you and the other side move on in the dating process more easily. If you know what disturbed someone, you might decide it's actually something you'd wanna work on to better yourself, or not.
If you'd have to give a full report on the date, then you'd be force to face what actually bothered you, and it'll ease and make for successful further dating experiences, by avoiding repeated patterns...
I think it's stupid that people have to make up a reason for breaking up. I think that if someone is not ready to say it outloud, it might be that it's not clear in his mind. As a famous French writer sais '(Boileau, for whoever wants to check) "Whatever is well understood is clearly told, and words to say it flow easily".
Sometimes, it's because you don't want hurt the other side. Ever heard of "all is fair in love and war"? Shidduch dating is one or the other. Be prepared, you will hear 'not nice things', but don't get hurt, it's not you, it's the couple you were trying to create that is being rejected, the potential future etc...
Come on, be a man !! Say it ! Don't make excuses ! Say what you have to say! Face the issues that came up ! Be honest, and without hurting, give a valid reason for breaking off/refusing a shidduch!You'll benefit from it, and so will your date...
6/05/2011
When do you take 'no' for an answer?
I read this article from Thinking Jew Girl about deal breakers.
She wonders what is a deal breaker in a relationship?
I would say there are none for me. Every human being is complex and one trait can be okay in someone and totally off putting in someone else.
That of course excludes things that are universally defined as not normal, such as mental disorders and criminal records
Even Middos are by defintion 'measures' and are to be taken into consideration with the whole picture, and not isolated from a person, a context, an education.
My question goes the other way round. If we have deal breakers, so do guys.
When a guy doesn't agree to date you, or calls off the shidduch, when do you 'accept' his decision? Sometimes they just make excuses, sometimes it's legitimate.
What are the things that you understand and accept, if the guy refuses to date you, or see you again?
When do you take 'no' for an answer?
It's not like we really have a choice when we get dumped, but we have the choice to understand and accept his point of view.
What are the things that you understand and accept, if the guy refuses to date you or see you again?
When do you take 'no' for and answer?
She wonders what is a deal breaker in a relationship?
I would say there are none for me. Every human being is complex and one trait can be okay in someone and totally off putting in someone else.
That of course excludes things that are universally defined as not normal, such as mental disorders and criminal records
Even Middos are by defintion 'measures' and are to be taken into consideration with the whole picture, and not isolated from a person, a context, an education.
My question goes the other way round. If we have deal breakers, so do guys.
When a guy doesn't agree to date you, or calls off the shidduch, when do you 'accept' his decision? Sometimes they just make excuses, sometimes it's legitimate.
What are the things that you understand and accept, if the guy refuses to date you, or see you again?
When do you take 'no' for an answer?
It's not like we really have a choice when we get dumped, but we have the choice to understand and accept his point of view.
Personally, there a excuses I don't agree with. I mean that I wish I could explain to him how wrong he is for refusing because of that specific point ( not the general situation). And there are reasons given you can't argue with, either because it's legitimate, or so unrationnal, that no reasoning can compete.
I wanna read what you have to say before coming up with my own list.
So, dear reader?What are the things that you understand and accept, if the guy refuses to date you or see you again?
When do you take 'no' for and answer?
6/03/2011
The danger of time.
Time is a precious gift given to us by the Creator of the World. Paradoxically, He has no time. He's Past, Present and Future all at once.
I can think of one explanation for that phenomenon. Time is the most efficient tool for self-improvement. Look at the past, correct it in the present and the future, and watch the outcome of your efforts.
He does not need improvment, because He is Perfection. So He doesn't need time.
In dating, time is for sure an advantage. You mature, you get to meet more inspirationnal people, you get to give thoughts to a lot more things, refine and adjust your expectations and ambitions.
But I see in time a great danger too.
Another fear that I have regarding extended singlehood is the fear of loosing my objectivity.
Right now, I think I know myself, and I know what kind of life I want to build. But I'm scared. I'm sacred that if it takes too long to fidn the right guy, I might end up saying yes to a guy I don't feel is right, just so I'll be married.
Maybe I will compromise on things I feel are important to me, maybe I will overlook some issues, to make it look right, when deep down, I'll know it's not. But I'll be married, and that's what I'm looking for, no?
I have seen in my close and less close acquaintances the damages caused by divorce, mismatched couples etc. And I am so scared to be one of them. I think I keep that in mind all the time, to make sure I don't date or actually marry someone's who's not suitable.
But what if I lose patience, and lose this clarity of mind, and allow myself to go for things I normally wouldn't, just for the sake of marriage? And if I didn't work out in the, end, and I suffer, and i could have avoided it by being more carfeul?
I can think of one explanation for that phenomenon. Time is the most efficient tool for self-improvement. Look at the past, correct it in the present and the future, and watch the outcome of your efforts.
He does not need improvment, because He is Perfection. So He doesn't need time.
In dating, time is for sure an advantage. You mature, you get to meet more inspirationnal people, you get to give thoughts to a lot more things, refine and adjust your expectations and ambitions.
But I see in time a great danger too.
Another fear that I have regarding extended singlehood is the fear of loosing my objectivity.
Right now, I think I know myself, and I know what kind of life I want to build. But I'm scared. I'm sacred that if it takes too long to fidn the right guy, I might end up saying yes to a guy I don't feel is right, just so I'll be married.
Maybe I will compromise on things I feel are important to me, maybe I will overlook some issues, to make it look right, when deep down, I'll know it's not. But I'll be married, and that's what I'm looking for, no?
I have seen in my close and less close acquaintances the damages caused by divorce, mismatched couples etc. And I am so scared to be one of them. I think I keep that in mind all the time, to make sure I don't date or actually marry someone's who's not suitable.
But what if I lose patience, and lose this clarity of mind, and allow myself to go for things I normally wouldn't, just for the sake of marriage? And if I didn't work out in the, end, and I suffer, and i could have avoided it by being more carfeul?
Making new friends...
When you are single and all your friends seem to find their match pretty quickly, you're left out, friendless.
I felt like I had noone to talk to about my shidduchim issues, no one to hang out with, no shoulder to cry on when things went bad.
So one thing was left to do. I had to make new friends. At first, I thought it was impossible for 2 reasons.
Firstly because I felt I was betraying my real friends if I had other friends, and second, I HAD friends, and I didn't really need new ones, I just have to wait till I'm married too and then we can catch up !
And then I realized that they betrayed me when they got marreid ( well, not quite, but you get what I mean), and second, I have no way to know how long till I get married, so waiting to catch up is taking a risk.
So I made new friends. Friends I can relate to. Friends who can relate to me. Friends with whom I share dating stories and time to think about it. Friends who still have time to go grab ice-cream. Friends who don't talk about how awful it is to iron 16 white shirts in a row. Friends who don't complain about waking up at night to feed a crying baby.
And the worst part is, that with my new friends, we spend our time talking about how much we wanna be like them...
Am I being deloyal? I don't lose touch with my married friends, it's just that I need something else.
So here I say, thank you to my new friends, I couldn't go through singlehood without you. And you really are a friend to me, not just an 'in the meantime friend'.
I felt like I had noone to talk to about my shidduchim issues, no one to hang out with, no shoulder to cry on when things went bad.
So one thing was left to do. I had to make new friends. At first, I thought it was impossible for 2 reasons.
Firstly because I felt I was betraying my real friends if I had other friends, and second, I HAD friends, and I didn't really need new ones, I just have to wait till I'm married too and then we can catch up !
And then I realized that they betrayed me when they got marreid ( well, not quite, but you get what I mean), and second, I have no way to know how long till I get married, so waiting to catch up is taking a risk.
So I made new friends. Friends I can relate to. Friends who can relate to me. Friends with whom I share dating stories and time to think about it. Friends who still have time to go grab ice-cream. Friends who don't talk about how awful it is to iron 16 white shirts in a row. Friends who don't complain about waking up at night to feed a crying baby.
And the worst part is, that with my new friends, we spend our time talking about how much we wanna be like them...
Am I being deloyal? I don't lose touch with my married friends, it's just that I need something else.
So here I say, thank you to my new friends, I couldn't go through singlehood without you. And you really are a friend to me, not just an 'in the meantime friend'.
5/29/2011
Are the people around me different, or am I?
I feel lost.
A few night ago, I went out with a group of friends to celebrate my recent roommate engagement. We were four, the four of us used to have such great times together, back then.
We went out for drinks, two of them married, the recently engaged friend, and my, the poor nebach single friend of the group. I couldn't follow discussions. It revolved around choosing a wedding gown, selecting a hall, then moved on to how hard it is to be in college and run a house, and even as far as discussing how they felt when they and their first baby.
You have to understand that I'm not a jealous person. I really don't care that the discussion doesn't revolve around me and that I don't care about the topics that are being brought up. And I usually don't really mind small talk. But for a reason I can't understand, I felt like i wasn't even there. I spent most of the time playing with my friend's baby, and it looked like they didn't even realize I wasn't taking part in the reunion.
I get it that when girls get married, their interests change and blablabla...
But I wonder if they really changed. After all, they all felt comfortable around each other, chatted and whatever. I didn't find any interest in their discussions, didn't feel the connection I used to feel around them, didn't even look forward to the reunion.
So, have they changed that they don't interest me anymore? Or have I? Am i different?
I think that one good thing about extended singlehood is that you have time to think, reflect, analyse, and make your own opinion about life, things, challenges and lots of other fascinating things. I like to look at it as a chance my friends who got married young didn't have, although they have lots of much better things to do than torture their mind wiht questions like I do. But what can you do, I don't have a baby to get up to feed during the night...
So maybe their talks don't interest me anymore because I have changed, I matured.
Or maybe, because life led us to take different paths, we were bound to change, all of us, according to the way we live?
I don't care what the anwer is, all I want are my friends back... no matter what it takes, I want my friends back...
A few night ago, I went out with a group of friends to celebrate my recent roommate engagement. We were four, the four of us used to have such great times together, back then.
We went out for drinks, two of them married, the recently engaged friend, and my, the poor nebach single friend of the group. I couldn't follow discussions. It revolved around choosing a wedding gown, selecting a hall, then moved on to how hard it is to be in college and run a house, and even as far as discussing how they felt when they and their first baby.
You have to understand that I'm not a jealous person. I really don't care that the discussion doesn't revolve around me and that I don't care about the topics that are being brought up. And I usually don't really mind small talk. But for a reason I can't understand, I felt like i wasn't even there. I spent most of the time playing with my friend's baby, and it looked like they didn't even realize I wasn't taking part in the reunion.
I get it that when girls get married, their interests change and blablabla...
But I wonder if they really changed. After all, they all felt comfortable around each other, chatted and whatever. I didn't find any interest in their discussions, didn't feel the connection I used to feel around them, didn't even look forward to the reunion.
So, have they changed that they don't interest me anymore? Or have I? Am i different?
I think that one good thing about extended singlehood is that you have time to think, reflect, analyse, and make your own opinion about life, things, challenges and lots of other fascinating things. I like to look at it as a chance my friends who got married young didn't have, although they have lots of much better things to do than torture their mind wiht questions like I do. But what can you do, I don't have a baby to get up to feed during the night...
So maybe their talks don't interest me anymore because I have changed, I matured.
Or maybe, because life led us to take different paths, we were bound to change, all of us, according to the way we live?
I don't care what the anwer is, all I want are my friends back... no matter what it takes, I want my friends back...
5/19/2011
1000 !!!
Just a short post to thank you all, this blog had more than 1000 visits since its creation !!!
Thank you all !!!
Thank you all !!!
5/17/2011
Multiple dating
I had an idea, and I came across that post from Premium Non Nocere, and as I commented there, my idea is slightly different.
Just to summarize, he offers multiple dating as a solution to increase your "chances of meeting that special someone"
I don't think triple dating is helpful if what you have is to pick the one you liked from the three, and possibly entering a conflict with your now-rival-dating-mate On the contrary, I think it might increase headaches, commitment issues and make decisions much harder to take.
Instead, two couples should be set up, but instead of having coffee face to face, they should have it all of them together, have a nice time, and from then on, if it went well, continue on regular dates, and keeping the other guy (if you're a girl, or vive-versa) totally out of the game.
The rules should be that none of the four ( or six ) people should know each other beforehand, nor be set up twice with a person, be it a same gender part, or opposite gender, occupying the position of the actual date or teh co-dater.
This will save us from awkward silences, from boring conversations just to fill the conventional 2 hours a first date is supposed to be, and I'll spare you the rest. You can just imagine from your own experiences...
A problem that might occur is that the human nature is to desire what you can't have, so great are the chances you'll look more into the person that isn't intended for you. Are we willing to take the risk?
Now, of course, Halachic authorities will never agree with this, as the will equate it to mixed socializing, and therefore not appropriate...
But I like my theory, and if my friends would set me up this way, I would definitely go for it... Or I think I will.
Only problem, I get really nervous before a date, so now I'll be twice (or three times) as nervous... Ouch !!!
Just to summarize, he offers multiple dating as a solution to increase your "chances of meeting that special someone"
I don't think triple dating is helpful if what you have is to pick the one you liked from the three, and possibly entering a conflict with your now-rival-dating-mate On the contrary, I think it might increase headaches, commitment issues and make decisions much harder to take.
Instead, two couples should be set up, but instead of having coffee face to face, they should have it all of them together, have a nice time, and from then on, if it went well, continue on regular dates, and keeping the other guy (if you're a girl, or vive-versa) totally out of the game.
The rules should be that none of the four ( or six ) people should know each other beforehand, nor be set up twice with a person, be it a same gender part, or opposite gender, occupying the position of the actual date or teh co-dater.
This will save us from awkward silences, from boring conversations just to fill the conventional 2 hours a first date is supposed to be, and I'll spare you the rest. You can just imagine from your own experiences...
A problem that might occur is that the human nature is to desire what you can't have, so great are the chances you'll look more into the person that isn't intended for you. Are we willing to take the risk?
Now, of course, Halachic authorities will never agree with this, as the will equate it to mixed socializing, and therefore not appropriate...
But I like my theory, and if my friends would set me up this way, I would definitely go for it... Or I think I will.
Only problem, I get really nervous before a date, so now I'll be twice (or three times) as nervous... Ouch !!!
Friends-in-law...
If there's one thing I never figured out how to handle is communicating with my friends-in-law.
As you might have understood, friends-in-law are the husbands of my friends. They are really close friends, and I consider their kids as my nieces and nephews, so I guess that turns their husbands into friends-in-law.
As I mentionned in my previous post, I never actually knew how to speak to a guy before I started dating ( and apparently, I still don't...). When a guy would come and talk to me, I would become suddenly extremely aggressive, as if I was trying to prevent any sort of communication and protect myself from the harm theses guys might cause to me.
But when a guy is off-limits, by being my best friend's husband, I don't feel that way. But nevertheless, it doesn't make me comfortable around them.
My best friend often invites me over, and I love going to her and I love my "almost niece". But I always ask if her husband's home, and if she answers positively, I kindly decline the invitation.
Now, her husband is a really nice guy, and talks to me, joins discussions I have with his wife, sometimes suggests a friend of his and so on...
Yet, I never feel comfortable around him. Or any other friend-in-law for that matter. And the reason is because I don't know where to set the boundaries. I never know when my friend will start to think that I'm being to friendly wiht her husband, yet I don't know if she feels I'm being to distant.
Halachically, I don't exactly know how this issue is dealt with, but what I do know is that there are boundaries to set.
Well, what are those boundaries? Not speaking? Politely smiling? Eating at the same table and having a free conversation.?
I don't know, and I keep hoping things will be different when I'll have a husband to "make things look right", but I'm not sure. If I am the one who has trouble developping a healthy relationship with my friends-in-law, no husband will change anything to the situation.
I have to find a balance between being tensed and pressured around them and developping an halachically healthy 'relationship', to hurt my friend the less possible (in either way)?
But how do I do that? Any tips?
As you might have understood, friends-in-law are the husbands of my friends. They are really close friends, and I consider their kids as my nieces and nephews, so I guess that turns their husbands into friends-in-law.
As I mentionned in my previous post, I never actually knew how to speak to a guy before I started dating ( and apparently, I still don't...). When a guy would come and talk to me, I would become suddenly extremely aggressive, as if I was trying to prevent any sort of communication and protect myself from the harm theses guys might cause to me.
But when a guy is off-limits, by being my best friend's husband, I don't feel that way. But nevertheless, it doesn't make me comfortable around them.
My best friend often invites me over, and I love going to her and I love my "almost niece". But I always ask if her husband's home, and if she answers positively, I kindly decline the invitation.
Now, her husband is a really nice guy, and talks to me, joins discussions I have with his wife, sometimes suggests a friend of his and so on...
Yet, I never feel comfortable around him. Or any other friend-in-law for that matter. And the reason is because I don't know where to set the boundaries. I never know when my friend will start to think that I'm being to friendly wiht her husband, yet I don't know if she feels I'm being to distant.
Halachically, I don't exactly know how this issue is dealt with, but what I do know is that there are boundaries to set.
Well, what are those boundaries? Not speaking? Politely smiling? Eating at the same table and having a free conversation.?
I don't know, and I keep hoping things will be different when I'll have a husband to "make things look right", but I'm not sure. If I am the one who has trouble developping a healthy relationship with my friends-in-law, no husband will change anything to the situation.
I have to find a balance between being tensed and pressured around them and developping an halachically healthy 'relationship', to hurt my friend the less possible (in either way)?
But how do I do that? Any tips?
5/15/2011
Staying single, Staying yourself... An oxymoron? (2)
Thanks to SIR and Sporadic Intelligence for the tip, I found my post on Google Reader, although it didn't appear on the blog itself.
Thanks to my friends from the blogosphere, you're being much more helpful and supportive than my friends in real life these days...
Ok, granted, I have absolutely no answer to this question.
But, when I give it some thought, look at the present situation, and see how the future presents himself, I can help it but wonder: Will I stay a good girl?
I am now what you'd call a good girl. I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs... Just kidding.
Seriously, I am a good girl, in college, away from home, and still dresses tzinius, stay in good company, don't have interactions with males outside the shidduch context, don't watch sick movies or listen to forbidden music. I have some values I am not ready to compromise for, yet not anymore under the influence of seminary craziness... Whatever, yeah, I guess a good girl.
But that doesn't mean I will stay like that forever. It's easy to be a good girl when you know that Big Brother's watching, or on a more realistic tone, that Hashem is watching every step of mine.
But, I have a deal with Him. I do my part, and You do yours. Yours being giving me everything I need to serve you to the best of my abilities.
But what if He didn't give me everything I need? I assume that at a certain age, what you need to feel some kind of acomplishment is a home of your own, a husband to admire, to love and to care about, children to feel you're giving and so on. Moreover, you need to feel part of a society, feel you have a status. Let's agree that yo have none of that when you're single in the Orthodox society.
So what if, at that critical age, I wasn't living this way? Then I wouldn't have to keep my part of the deal. I can do what I please.
With maturity going, I feel it's easier to detach yourself from other people principles and take responsability for your actions.
Theses two points combined, and I think I have every single chance of going off the Derech if I felt my life isn't going right and I don't care what people think.
And that scares me. I already feel I allow myself more and more leniency on different areas as time goes on. And I am fighting against my own self to stay strong and faithful to the way I grew up. But what if I loose this strength to fight, or even worse, the will to fight?
Thanks to my friends from the blogosphere, you're being much more helpful and supportive than my friends in real life these days...
Ok, granted, I have absolutely no answer to this question.
But, when I give it some thought, look at the present situation, and see how the future presents himself, I can help it but wonder: Will I stay a good girl?
I am now what you'd call a good girl. I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs... Just kidding.
Seriously, I am a good girl, in college, away from home, and still dresses tzinius, stay in good company, don't have interactions with males outside the shidduch context, don't watch sick movies or listen to forbidden music. I have some values I am not ready to compromise for, yet not anymore under the influence of seminary craziness... Whatever, yeah, I guess a good girl.
But that doesn't mean I will stay like that forever. It's easy to be a good girl when you know that Big Brother's watching, or on a more realistic tone, that Hashem is watching every step of mine.
But, I have a deal with Him. I do my part, and You do yours. Yours being giving me everything I need to serve you to the best of my abilities.
But what if He didn't give me everything I need? I assume that at a certain age, what you need to feel some kind of acomplishment is a home of your own, a husband to admire, to love and to care about, children to feel you're giving and so on. Moreover, you need to feel part of a society, feel you have a status. Let's agree that yo have none of that when you're single in the Orthodox society.
So what if, at that critical age, I wasn't living this way? Then I wouldn't have to keep my part of the deal. I can do what I please.
With maturity going, I feel it's easier to detach yourself from other people principles and take responsability for your actions.
Theses two points combined, and I think I have every single chance of going off the Derech if I felt my life isn't going right and I don't care what people think.
And that scares me. I already feel I allow myself more and more leniency on different areas as time goes on. And I am fighting against my own self to stay strong and faithful to the way I grew up. But what if I loose this strength to fight, or even worse, the will to fight?
5/14/2011
A post that disappeared...
My apology...
I don't know why and how, but I wrote a post called "Staying single, Staying yourself... An oxymoron? ", and it got deleted, and no draft saved anywhere...
Weird...
I'm upset but I'll try to rewrite it and will repost the amazing comment I got from Sefardi Gal ...
I don't know why and how, but I wrote a post called "Staying single, Staying yourself... An oxymoron? ", and it got deleted, and no draft saved anywhere...
Weird...
I'm upset but I'll try to rewrite it and will repost the amazing comment I got from Sefardi Gal ...
5/09/2011
When to tell? When to expect to be told?
I have never been the type to get insulted because someone got engaged without telling me beforehand. I totally respected their privacy, and if my friends didn't feel like telling me they were seeing someone, it was OK with me.
But now, things are different. I rent an appartment with four other girls. One of them, my roomate is actually a friend from school and from seminary. We have kind of an history, and we don't have what you'd call a trustful relationship. She has been doing stuff I don"t approve, but I told her straightforward I wanted to stay put of it She didn't like it, but I didn't care.
One of all the stuff I disapproved turned out to be a serious story with a guy, and now they are to get engaged officially in a few weeks. I found out by teasing her to know if, during her stay home for Pesach, something came up. And she answered with an evasive "maybe, maybe". A few days later, I asked her to tell me more about it, and she ignored me. I figured that after all, I've been watching her going out with him for 5 months, I was entitled to know more than what I guessed. But, after all, I turned away when I told her I din"t want to be involved....
Vicious circle....
I feel insulted that she doesn't tell me more. We're still friends after all. But I turned her away. So she turns me away even more.
I turned her away because I didn't care. But I did.
I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't know why I feel insulted that she doesn't let me in her life when I was the one to leave it?
PS Totally useless post, I just needed to jot my feelings down.
But now, things are different. I rent an appartment with four other girls. One of them, my roomate is actually a friend from school and from seminary. We have kind of an history, and we don't have what you'd call a trustful relationship. She has been doing stuff I don"t approve, but I told her straightforward I wanted to stay put of it She didn't like it, but I didn't care.
One of all the stuff I disapproved turned out to be a serious story with a guy, and now they are to get engaged officially in a few weeks. I found out by teasing her to know if, during her stay home for Pesach, something came up. And she answered with an evasive "maybe, maybe". A few days later, I asked her to tell me more about it, and she ignored me. I figured that after all, I've been watching her going out with him for 5 months, I was entitled to know more than what I guessed. But, after all, I turned away when I told her I din"t want to be involved....
Vicious circle....
I feel insulted that she doesn't tell me more. We're still friends after all. But I turned her away. So she turns me away even more.
I turned her away because I didn't care. But I did.
I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't know why I feel insulted that she doesn't let me in her life when I was the one to leave it?
PS Totally useless post, I just needed to jot my feelings down.
4/17/2011
Older single
It feels good to come home after having been away for 6 months... As I was having a nice talk with my mother and sister this Shabbos afternoon, we were talking (obviously) about shidduchim and marriage and all that amazing stuff, and I asked my mother if, when she was young, she ever pictured herself, as an older single. She told me she never thought of her life that way.
I then said that I do, and sometimes, I picture myself as an older sigle. By older single, I mean those who are coming close to their thirties, live a life of a "grown-up" and arouse real pity to everyone around.
My sister laughed at me like I was crazy, and my mother said she never realized how desperate I was.
I came on to explain that I know people who are 'Older singles', and are having a hard time being it. I added that these girls were all great girls when they were 20 and never thought of the possibility they might not get married easily and as early as everyone thought.
I said that maybe, if I can anticipate such a future, it will be easier to deal with if the future turns out to be one of an older single.
Am I a pessimistic? Am I crazy?
Maybe yes, maybe not.
I am tired of picturing myself in a white gown, like my friends, pregnant, like my friends, running a house and a small (and growing) family, and its not happenning. So maybe, if I picture myself as an older single, it won't happen...
I then said that I do, and sometimes, I picture myself as an older sigle. By older single, I mean those who are coming close to their thirties, live a life of a "grown-up" and arouse real pity to everyone around.
My sister laughed at me like I was crazy, and my mother said she never realized how desperate I was.
I came on to explain that I know people who are 'Older singles', and are having a hard time being it. I added that these girls were all great girls when they were 20 and never thought of the possibility they might not get married easily and as early as everyone thought.
I said that maybe, if I can anticipate such a future, it will be easier to deal with if the future turns out to be one of an older single.
Am I a pessimistic? Am I crazy?
Maybe yes, maybe not.
I am tired of picturing myself in a white gown, like my friends, pregnant, like my friends, running a house and a small (and growing) family, and its not happenning. So maybe, if I picture myself as an older single, it won't happen...
4/05/2011
Isn't it worth playing the game?
(Thanks to The Pragmatician for the title)
For all of us who know about dating, and have had enough of it, or went through too many hard times, I bet those questions came up at least once: "Do I really wanna do this? Is marriage really worth all that trouble ? Is it worth playing the game?"
If you ask married people, they'll answer you with a glowing smile and sparkles in their eyes "Of course it is !!!!" But we all agree that the recently (or less recently) married people aren't exactly objective. It sounds like they forgot everything about the hard times (or less hard) they when through while dating the second they entered their bubble, never to come out (hopefully).
And maybe that's the answer. maybe the fact that once you are married, everything falls into nothing but a vague memory, turns the whole dating process into an small and dark antichamber that you even forgot you stayed in once you're living in the palace.
But maybe not.
I personally think that you have to believe strongly that marriage is an achievement, something worth reaching to be willing to do that. Then, after every breakup, or decision you made, you lay on your bed and say outloud "After all, it was worth playing the game, because when I'll be done playing, the reward I'll get for playing will be so great, it'll make me forget all those days when playing wasn't so easy."
And how can one do that? How can one view marriage as something "totally worth it" if you never went through it?
I can definitely say that even though college gets hard sometimes, it's definitely worth it because I know what I'll feel when I'll graduate. Because I've done that already. Because I know the feeling.
But marriage? If I listen to my mother/teachers, it's work, work work and work...
If I listen to my married friends, it's bliss, bliss, and bliss...
Granted, marriage is probably a bit of both, but why do we believe so strongly it is THE achievement? Is it the jewish ( and for some of us, orthodox) society we live in that engraved in us this belief? Is it fairy tales and Hollywood movies that depict it as so wonderful ?
I've given that some thought for the past weeks, and I reached a sort of conclusion:
Emuna Pshuta.
Just like we believe Hashem exists firstly because our parents told us and taught us. And we do Mitzvot because we believe that's what He wants from us. And later in life, because we can actually see Him in every aspect of our lives, we positively do those same Mitzvot, because we learnt more and now it's not only out of belief, but also out of knowledge.
Just like we believe our friends that marriage is a bliss, because we see them happy, we believe we should go through all those stages who will take us there.
And once we'll be there, we'll know it was worth it...
For all of us who know about dating, and have had enough of it, or went through too many hard times, I bet those questions came up at least once: "Do I really wanna do this? Is marriage really worth all that trouble ? Is it worth playing the game?"
If you ask married people, they'll answer you with a glowing smile and sparkles in their eyes "Of course it is !!!!" But we all agree that the recently (or less recently) married people aren't exactly objective. It sounds like they forgot everything about the hard times (or less hard) they when through while dating the second they entered their bubble, never to come out (hopefully).
And maybe that's the answer. maybe the fact that once you are married, everything falls into nothing but a vague memory, turns the whole dating process into an small and dark antichamber that you even forgot you stayed in once you're living in the palace.
But maybe not.
I personally think that you have to believe strongly that marriage is an achievement, something worth reaching to be willing to do that. Then, after every breakup, or decision you made, you lay on your bed and say outloud "After all, it was worth playing the game, because when I'll be done playing, the reward I'll get for playing will be so great, it'll make me forget all those days when playing wasn't so easy."
And how can one do that? How can one view marriage as something "totally worth it" if you never went through it?
I can definitely say that even though college gets hard sometimes, it's definitely worth it because I know what I'll feel when I'll graduate. Because I've done that already. Because I know the feeling.
But marriage? If I listen to my mother/teachers, it's work, work work and work...
If I listen to my married friends, it's bliss, bliss, and bliss...
Granted, marriage is probably a bit of both, but why do we believe so strongly it is THE achievement? Is it the jewish ( and for some of us, orthodox) society we live in that engraved in us this belief? Is it fairy tales and Hollywood movies that depict it as so wonderful ?
I've given that some thought for the past weeks, and I reached a sort of conclusion:
Emuna Pshuta.
Just like we believe Hashem exists firstly because our parents told us and taught us. And we do Mitzvot because we believe that's what He wants from us. And later in life, because we can actually see Him in every aspect of our lives, we positively do those same Mitzvot, because we learnt more and now it's not only out of belief, but also out of knowledge.
Just like we believe our friends that marriage is a bliss, because we see them happy, we believe we should go through all those stages who will take us there.
And once we'll be there, we'll know it was worth it...
3/27/2011
A year later...
I know many of you (is there a you to adress? Do I have readers?) won't believe to what I am about to say.
In a very near future, I am going to be dating someone. Nothing exciting so far. But yes, it is exciting. For me. Because I haven't dated a single boy in the past year.
I know it sounds pathetic. But that's the way it is.
I guess it explains the name of the blog. I felt stuck. Not like people who hate Shidduchim, or people who are actively looking for the One. I felt like on a highway, the highway of life, sitting in my car, where there is so much traffic, that the best I can I do is to turn off my car, so that a least I won't be harmful to the planet. And stay still. And feeling STUCK.
That's pretty much what I've been doing for the past year. Staying still. Feeling Stuck.
Now there are a lot of reasons why it happened this way. One of them is that exactly a year ago, I was dating this amazing guy, and it ended badly and I had a hard time getting over this whole episode.
And many many many other things came up, making it not the right time to date.
But now it's coming again. I guess the time has come
And my question is: Is dating like riding a bike? Can you forget how to do it? Or once you've learnt how it goes, you can't delete it rom your memory?
I guess I'm nervous...
In a very near future, I am going to be dating someone. Nothing exciting so far. But yes, it is exciting. For me. Because I haven't dated a single boy in the past year.
I know it sounds pathetic. But that's the way it is.
I guess it explains the name of the blog. I felt stuck. Not like people who hate Shidduchim, or people who are actively looking for the One. I felt like on a highway, the highway of life, sitting in my car, where there is so much traffic, that the best I can I do is to turn off my car, so that a least I won't be harmful to the planet. And stay still. And feeling STUCK.
That's pretty much what I've been doing for the past year. Staying still. Feeling Stuck.
Now there are a lot of reasons why it happened this way. One of them is that exactly a year ago, I was dating this amazing guy, and it ended badly and I had a hard time getting over this whole episode.
And many many many other things came up, making it not the right time to date.
But now it's coming again. I guess the time has come
And my question is: Is dating like riding a bike? Can you forget how to do it? Or once you've learnt how it goes, you can't delete it rom your memory?
I guess I'm nervous...
3/10/2011
Shidduch Crisis...
I got it !! Now I understand why americans are always talking about a shidduch crisis...
I get to say whatever I want, firstly because I don't belong to this social world, and secondly (and mostly, because this is an anonymus blog, and I don't even know if someone is reading it !!)
I registered on SYAS and Frumster ( I unregistered later because I don't believe in that kind of matchmaking/dating), but the one thing that struck me was to define your "Judaisme style" (copyright to a guy from SYAS who asked the question straight out in these words).
Whether you are a Modern Orthodox Machmir, or Yeshivish, or whatever else you are, you've just done the worst thing ever. You put yourself in a box, you have a sticker on your forehead stating a reality. That OBVIOUSLY makes you absolutely unmatchable with a guy who is slightly different in his dresscode or if his shabbos table looks different that it does in your house.
For example, a girl grew up in Flatbush, went to BJJ, learns in Touro and is amazingly involved in all kinds of chessed activities. Her father is a great learner, her mother is the best housewife/morah in town, her siblings are all perfect. They use real silverware on Shabbos, they stack the plates, don't use a plastic tablecloth, and her mother gets dressed and doesn't stay in a robe on friday night.
Well, there's no way she will marry an boy who grew up in Dallas, went to a local day school, learnt computers, left a year to learn in Aish Hatorah and went back to work, sticking to a Daf Hayomi Shiur. Oh, and by the way, he has middos that would make any BMG bachur blush, but who cares ! After all, he doesn't have kneidlach friday night because his mother never learnt how to make them, so she'd rather make vegetables and a meat loaf. So that make this BMG guy more eligible !
Labels. Boxes. Criterions.
To me, theses are the main causes of the so-called Shidduch crisis.
I find that people arez obsessed with the Shidduch crisis. But let's face it, a crisis is as much of a crisis as you consider it as one. The sidduch crisis has been invented and created by people to find an excuse to why they can't get married, just because there's no one like them available. Yes, true, no one like you available. And you know why? Because you are unique, like everyone else.
We're looking for a MATCH. Someone who matches your ambitions, onlook on life, lifestyle and so on. Who says his shabbos meals have to match yours? Who says her education should match yours ( to a certain extent obviously)?
Labels. Boxes. Criterions.
When you keeps putting people in boxes, it's very hard to look beyond the boundaries set for that specific box.
For example, you can fit in 'xxx' box if you only wear black and white, have horns and don't hunt. Silly, right?
Well, I don't find our labelling system that much smarter. Seriously, are you looking for a wife or for a sister who will fit in your family? You are about to start one of YOUR OWN !!!!!! Knowing that her familyhave plastic tablecloths and scrape plates won't make her a bad wife ! And knowing that his mother worked outside of the house won't make him a bad husband !!!!
As long as we keep on labelling people, putting them in boxes and having criterions that don't correspond to the reality we live in, the so-called shidduch crisis will go on.
This prevents a lot pf happy marriages to happen. Because people in one box can't date someone from a different box, although in terms of personality, character traits and smartness, they are much more compatible than anyone from their own box. How sad. How narrow-minded.
I personally have suffered from this. I find myself refusing suggestions that won't please my co-boxers. I have trouble saying yes to a wonderful guy whose family will be the talk of 'box' and our labels aren't the same color.
STOP. I beg of you, the whole Jewish world out there in NY and elsewhere. You are the one who can put an end to this. You can realize that people have value even if they don't exactly set the table the way you do it. Even if his background isn't as great as yours. Look at the present and the future you are about to build, about what you wanna become TOGETHER with your potential spouse. Because I think that this is what marriage is about. Future and togetherness. Don't look back, don't give importance to petty things that might stand in the way.
I am not trying to say I have a solution to the 'crisis'. I mean to say the solution is right in front of us. Tolerance. Open mindedness. Hope.
I get to say whatever I want, firstly because I don't belong to this social world, and secondly (and mostly, because this is an anonymus blog, and I don't even know if someone is reading it !!)
I registered on SYAS and Frumster ( I unregistered later because I don't believe in that kind of matchmaking/dating), but the one thing that struck me was to define your "Judaisme style" (copyright to a guy from SYAS who asked the question straight out in these words).
Whether you are a Modern Orthodox Machmir, or Yeshivish, or whatever else you are, you've just done the worst thing ever. You put yourself in a box, you have a sticker on your forehead stating a reality. That OBVIOUSLY makes you absolutely unmatchable with a guy who is slightly different in his dresscode or if his shabbos table looks different that it does in your house.
For example, a girl grew up in Flatbush, went to BJJ, learns in Touro and is amazingly involved in all kinds of chessed activities. Her father is a great learner, her mother is the best housewife/morah in town, her siblings are all perfect. They use real silverware on Shabbos, they stack the plates, don't use a plastic tablecloth, and her mother gets dressed and doesn't stay in a robe on friday night.
Well, there's no way she will marry an boy who grew up in Dallas, went to a local day school, learnt computers, left a year to learn in Aish Hatorah and went back to work, sticking to a Daf Hayomi Shiur. Oh, and by the way, he has middos that would make any BMG bachur blush, but who cares ! After all, he doesn't have kneidlach friday night because his mother never learnt how to make them, so she'd rather make vegetables and a meat loaf. So that make this BMG guy more eligible !
Labels. Boxes. Criterions.
To me, theses are the main causes of the so-called Shidduch crisis.
I find that people arez obsessed with the Shidduch crisis. But let's face it, a crisis is as much of a crisis as you consider it as one. The sidduch crisis has been invented and created by people to find an excuse to why they can't get married, just because there's no one like them available. Yes, true, no one like you available. And you know why? Because you are unique, like everyone else.
We're looking for a MATCH. Someone who matches your ambitions, onlook on life, lifestyle and so on. Who says his shabbos meals have to match yours? Who says her education should match yours ( to a certain extent obviously)?
Labels. Boxes. Criterions.
When you keeps putting people in boxes, it's very hard to look beyond the boundaries set for that specific box.
For example, you can fit in 'xxx' box if you only wear black and white, have horns and don't hunt. Silly, right?
Well, I don't find our labelling system that much smarter. Seriously, are you looking for a wife or for a sister who will fit in your family? You are about to start one of YOUR OWN !!!!!! Knowing that her familyhave plastic tablecloths and scrape plates won't make her a bad wife ! And knowing that his mother worked outside of the house won't make him a bad husband !!!!
As long as we keep on labelling people, putting them in boxes and having criterions that don't correspond to the reality we live in, the so-called shidduch crisis will go on.
This prevents a lot pf happy marriages to happen. Because people in one box can't date someone from a different box, although in terms of personality, character traits and smartness, they are much more compatible than anyone from their own box. How sad. How narrow-minded.
I personally have suffered from this. I find myself refusing suggestions that won't please my co-boxers. I have trouble saying yes to a wonderful guy whose family will be the talk of 'box' and our labels aren't the same color.
STOP. I beg of you, the whole Jewish world out there in NY and elsewhere. You are the one who can put an end to this. You can realize that people have value even if they don't exactly set the table the way you do it. Even if his background isn't as great as yours. Look at the present and the future you are about to build, about what you wanna become TOGETHER with your potential spouse. Because I think that this is what marriage is about. Future and togetherness. Don't look back, don't give importance to petty things that might stand in the way.
I am not trying to say I have a solution to the 'crisis'. I mean to say the solution is right in front of us. Tolerance. Open mindedness. Hope.
How a P'Sak becomes Halacha.... (ie: How a bill becomes a law)
I got this in a email today... Funny... and sadly true on many many many topics which drive us all crazy... and make the world of Shidduchim even more complicated...
Many years ago, in a far away country, there was a well-known rabbi who was consulted on all sorts of matters relating to the Jewish people. His wise counsel was sought from people of all walks of life, and the community at large accepted his decisions, as they understood that his rulings and pronouncements were divinely inspired. So when one time he met with some parents of his students, and a few mothers complained that their children were not making their beds, he assured them that he would deal with the matter. That week, in his public address to his students, he mentioned that the students should always make sure to make their beds in the morning.
When the person transcribing the speech wrote up his review of the talk, he made sure to emphasize the rabbi's intention. He wrote, "The Rosh Yeshiva today ruled that one is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning." Word spread fast. The halacha had been established: One was obligated to make their bed.
Later that day, someone came to the Rosh Yeshiva and asked, "I don't have time to make my bed before I go to davening. By the time I get back my mother is gone for the day so she doesn't think I make my bed, and isn't pleased. What should I do?" After hearing the answer that was given, the halacha was suitably amended to say that the bed should be made as soon as one gets up. "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, as soon as he gets up."The next day, he was approached by a bochur that wanted to know, "When you said 'as soon as he gets up', do you mean immediately - right when one steps out of the bed - or is one allowed some time first? So they added to the text: "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, soon after he gets up."
"How long soon after?" he was immediately asked. "How much time exactly?" "10-15 minutes?", he replied, figuring that's a reasonable amount of time. And so it was added: "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, within 10-15 minutes from when he gets up."
The bochurim found this to be a satisfactory resolution, but unsurprisingly, it resulted in some bochurim insisting that it should be made by 10 minutes, and others saying it was fine to wait even 15 minutes. After some time, they settled on an unofficial resolution by considering 10 minutes to be the first zman, and 15 minutes the second zman.
Things went along smoothly until one day a bochur came over and explained to him a problem he had run into. "My roommate doesn't like the way I make my bed! He claims it's not really made!" "What do you mean?", asked the Rosh Yeshiva. "Well, he claims that for a bed to be considered 'made' the pillow needs to be on top and the sides need to be even or tucked in, and I just lay out the cover on top, covering everything, however it comes out. What should I do?" The Rosh Yeshiva mulled this over for a while, and replied: You're allowed to make it however your family does it. What's acceptable to your mother (or father) is acceptable here. Hakol k'minhago. An addition was added to the halacha: "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, within 10-15 minutes from when he gets up. The manner of making the bed should be done according to one's established minhag." (Later that week when the bochurim went home for the weekend, many parents were somewhat confused when they were asked by their sons, "What is the minhag of our family of how to make our beds?", but they figured it was all part of the tremendous spiritual growth they could see in their young bnei torah.)
One morning a few weeks later, as shacharis was beginning, the Rosh Yeshiva was notified about an argument that had broken out between 2 bochurim. Approaching their room, he heard loud shouting through the closed door. As he entered, he found one of the bochurim vehemently yelling at the other. Seeing him come in, the young man turned to him and exclaimed loudly, "Rebbe! I'm so glad you're here! I tried to get him to make his bed but he wouldn't listen! He just ignored me, and now it's 5 minutes after the zman, and look - his bed is still not made!" Before the Rosh Yeshiva had a chance to respond, the other bochur quickly spoke up in his defense, "That's not true. I only got out of bed 2 minutes ago! I still have 8 minutes until the zman!" "Yes, he only got out of bed 2 minutes ago. But he woke up 20 minutes ago! That means he should have made his bed 10 minutes ago!"It was clear that there needed to be some clarification: When the psak was issued that a bed must be made 10-15 minutes after getting up, did 'after getting up' mean after waking up ('m'sha'as kumuso') or did it mean after getting out of bed ('m'sha'as yitziaso')?
At this point a small crowd had gathered around the room and a vociferous discussion had broken out. Everyone started buzzing, talking, sharing their thoughts of why it meant this interpretation and not the other one. Realizing what was happening, the Rosh Yeshiva put an abrupt stop to it all by loudly demanding that everyone should immediately go to davening and they would deal with it later on. By lunchtime that day the Rosh Yeshiva had still not addressed the burning issue and a fierce debate had already broken out in the halls of the yeshiva. Even the rabbeim had gotten involved. Some felt that the halacha had to mean from when a person got out of bed, because as they explained, "if it meant 'from when he woke up' then the first thing he would have to do upon awaking would be to look at his clock and remember the time. But this can't be, because we all know that the first thing a person must do when he wakes up is say 'modeh ani'. Therefore it must mean 'from when he gets out of bed'."In spite of this convincing logic others still held it was better to be machmir and go by from when a person wakes up and not to wait until he gets out of bed. They pointed out that all that was needed to avoid the above-mentioned conflict was to first say modeh ani and then subtract 10 seconds from whenever he first looks at the clock. "But not all clock have second hands on them," countered the first opinion, "and besides, it is too easy to forget the exact time including the seconds."The machmirim had a ready response: "Firstly, someone who cares about the halacha properly can make sure to have a clock with seconds on it, and secondly, he should also have a paper and pen next to his clock so he can mark down the proper time, in order to avoid the chance of forgetting it."Seeing that positions had already been staked out in this dispute, the Rosh Yeshiva decided not to voice his own opinion and instead told everyone to go by whatever their rebbe held.
Unfortunately, this had the effect of causing a lot of machlokes in the school as some people didn't agree with their rabbeim, and resented being forced out of their beds sooner than they preferred. The problems were soon settled when a young illuy came up with an ingenious solution. He pointed out that even though someone had woken up, if they had in mind that they were sleeping it was like they actually were, since 'machshava k'ma'ase'. Although his reasoning was roundly rejected by many others, it satisfied those lazier bochurim and they let the matter slide. No one was much surprised at their reaction, as these sorts of students had already demonstrated their laxity of the halacha when it was realized that they were deliberately getting dressed while still sitting in their bed, in order to give themselves more time until the zman of 'when you get up' would commence (according to the shita of m'sha'as yitziaso).
For a brief while the yeshiva. had some omplaints from bochurim who wanted to switch rooms because their roommates were not keeping what they felt was the right zman for making their beds. Already very disturbed by the problems that the previous issue had caused and not wanting to cause any more machlokes in the yeshiva, the Rosh Yeshiva wisely dealt with the problem by declaring that if anyone was concerned about another not making the zman, they were allowed to make the other persons bed for them, as long as the first one had da'as that the other would be yotzei for himself. He also said that the person making the bed didn't have to specific da'as because obviously if he was making it he had da'as to do such a thing.
Despite that, it wasn't uncommon to hear people loudly declaring, "Have in mind to be yotzei so-and-so when making his bed!"
Some months after the initial psak was issued, an enterprising bochur started selling a unique clock that had a special alarm. The alarm would wake you up, and when you pushed the right button it would turn off and ring 9 minutes later to remind you that you had 1 minute left to make your bed. He actually also made a second one that gave you 14 minutes instead of 9,but no one bought it since they felt it was better not to be meikel.
Another issue that the yeshiva had to resolve was that according to the opinions that one must make their beds from when they first woke up, what was to be done if someone fell asleep again shortly after waking up? After much learned discussion it was decided that falling back asleep wasn't a problem, and the zman only started after the real, final waking up. This was derived from the situation of if one woke up in the middle of the night: Was he then obligated to make his bed shortly after? For a brief time, some people in the yeshiva began to follow this custom.
But when the Rosh Yeshiva ruled that it wasn't necessary, they understood from that that the zman only began after the last, real waking up.
These events all occurred many, many years ago, and boruch hashem nowadays it isn't as heated an issue as it once was. Everyone understands and accepts the principles of eilu v'eilu divrei Elokim chaim, minhag avoseinu b'yadeinu, ba'al nefesh yachmir, and shomer p'saim hashem. Each person has a tradition or chumra that he's entitled to follow. In addition, there have been many wonderful books written on this subject, most recently Artscroll's splendid translation of Hilchos Ish U'Mitoso, which sheds much light on this subject for the average layman (also available in a laminated, newly type-set, pocket edition that one can keep by their bed!).
However legend has it that if you go to this yeshiva and poke in on some of the rooms, you'll still occasionally find a bochur here and there that tries to be extra zahir in this inyan and - even on a cold winter night - will sleep on top of his carefully made blanket so that he never will - chas v'chalila!- find his bed unmade past the proper zman!To receive a laminated, large print edition of the special tefila to say before making your bed, please send a fax to 1800-BE-ZAHIR with your proper mailing address and we will be glad to send you one free of charge…
Many years ago, in a far away country, there was a well-known rabbi who was consulted on all sorts of matters relating to the Jewish people. His wise counsel was sought from people of all walks of life, and the community at large accepted his decisions, as they understood that his rulings and pronouncements were divinely inspired. So when one time he met with some parents of his students, and a few mothers complained that their children were not making their beds, he assured them that he would deal with the matter. That week, in his public address to his students, he mentioned that the students should always make sure to make their beds in the morning.
When the person transcribing the speech wrote up his review of the talk, he made sure to emphasize the rabbi's intention. He wrote, "The Rosh Yeshiva today ruled that one is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning." Word spread fast. The halacha had been established: One was obligated to make their bed.
Later that day, someone came to the Rosh Yeshiva and asked, "I don't have time to make my bed before I go to davening. By the time I get back my mother is gone for the day so she doesn't think I make my bed, and isn't pleased. What should I do?" After hearing the answer that was given, the halacha was suitably amended to say that the bed should be made as soon as one gets up. "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, as soon as he gets up."The next day, he was approached by a bochur that wanted to know, "When you said 'as soon as he gets up', do you mean immediately - right when one steps out of the bed - or is one allowed some time first? So they added to the text: "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, soon after he gets up."
"How long soon after?" he was immediately asked. "How much time exactly?" "10-15 minutes?", he replied, figuring that's a reasonable amount of time. And so it was added: "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, within 10-15 minutes from when he gets up."
The bochurim found this to be a satisfactory resolution, but unsurprisingly, it resulted in some bochurim insisting that it should be made by 10 minutes, and others saying it was fine to wait even 15 minutes. After some time, they settled on an unofficial resolution by considering 10 minutes to be the first zman, and 15 minutes the second zman.
Things went along smoothly until one day a bochur came over and explained to him a problem he had run into. "My roommate doesn't like the way I make my bed! He claims it's not really made!" "What do you mean?", asked the Rosh Yeshiva. "Well, he claims that for a bed to be considered 'made' the pillow needs to be on top and the sides need to be even or tucked in, and I just lay out the cover on top, covering everything, however it comes out. What should I do?" The Rosh Yeshiva mulled this over for a while, and replied: You're allowed to make it however your family does it. What's acceptable to your mother (or father) is acceptable here. Hakol k'minhago. An addition was added to the halacha: "One is m'chuyav to make his bed in the morning, within 10-15 minutes from when he gets up. The manner of making the bed should be done according to one's established minhag." (Later that week when the bochurim went home for the weekend, many parents were somewhat confused when they were asked by their sons, "What is the minhag of our family of how to make our beds?", but they figured it was all part of the tremendous spiritual growth they could see in their young bnei torah.)
One morning a few weeks later, as shacharis was beginning, the Rosh Yeshiva was notified about an argument that had broken out between 2 bochurim. Approaching their room, he heard loud shouting through the closed door. As he entered, he found one of the bochurim vehemently yelling at the other. Seeing him come in, the young man turned to him and exclaimed loudly, "Rebbe! I'm so glad you're here! I tried to get him to make his bed but he wouldn't listen! He just ignored me, and now it's 5 minutes after the zman, and look - his bed is still not made!" Before the Rosh Yeshiva had a chance to respond, the other bochur quickly spoke up in his defense, "That's not true. I only got out of bed 2 minutes ago! I still have 8 minutes until the zman!" "Yes, he only got out of bed 2 minutes ago. But he woke up 20 minutes ago! That means he should have made his bed 10 minutes ago!"It was clear that there needed to be some clarification: When the psak was issued that a bed must be made 10-15 minutes after getting up, did 'after getting up' mean after waking up ('m'sha'as kumuso') or did it mean after getting out of bed ('m'sha'as yitziaso')?
At this point a small crowd had gathered around the room and a vociferous discussion had broken out. Everyone started buzzing, talking, sharing their thoughts of why it meant this interpretation and not the other one. Realizing what was happening, the Rosh Yeshiva put an abrupt stop to it all by loudly demanding that everyone should immediately go to davening and they would deal with it later on. By lunchtime that day the Rosh Yeshiva had still not addressed the burning issue and a fierce debate had already broken out in the halls of the yeshiva. Even the rabbeim had gotten involved. Some felt that the halacha had to mean from when a person got out of bed, because as they explained, "if it meant 'from when he woke up' then the first thing he would have to do upon awaking would be to look at his clock and remember the time. But this can't be, because we all know that the first thing a person must do when he wakes up is say 'modeh ani'. Therefore it must mean 'from when he gets out of bed'."In spite of this convincing logic others still held it was better to be machmir and go by from when a person wakes up and not to wait until he gets out of bed. They pointed out that all that was needed to avoid the above-mentioned conflict was to first say modeh ani and then subtract 10 seconds from whenever he first looks at the clock. "But not all clock have second hands on them," countered the first opinion, "and besides, it is too easy to forget the exact time including the seconds."The machmirim had a ready response: "Firstly, someone who cares about the halacha properly can make sure to have a clock with seconds on it, and secondly, he should also have a paper and pen next to his clock so he can mark down the proper time, in order to avoid the chance of forgetting it."Seeing that positions had already been staked out in this dispute, the Rosh Yeshiva decided not to voice his own opinion and instead told everyone to go by whatever their rebbe held.
Unfortunately, this had the effect of causing a lot of machlokes in the school as some people didn't agree with their rabbeim, and resented being forced out of their beds sooner than they preferred. The problems were soon settled when a young illuy came up with an ingenious solution. He pointed out that even though someone had woken up, if they had in mind that they were sleeping it was like they actually were, since 'machshava k'ma'ase'. Although his reasoning was roundly rejected by many others, it satisfied those lazier bochurim and they let the matter slide. No one was much surprised at their reaction, as these sorts of students had already demonstrated their laxity of the halacha when it was realized that they were deliberately getting dressed while still sitting in their bed, in order to give themselves more time until the zman of 'when you get up' would commence (according to the shita of m'sha'as yitziaso).
For a brief while the yeshiva. had some omplaints from bochurim who wanted to switch rooms because their roommates were not keeping what they felt was the right zman for making their beds. Already very disturbed by the problems that the previous issue had caused and not wanting to cause any more machlokes in the yeshiva, the Rosh Yeshiva wisely dealt with the problem by declaring that if anyone was concerned about another not making the zman, they were allowed to make the other persons bed for them, as long as the first one had da'as that the other would be yotzei for himself. He also said that the person making the bed didn't have to specific da'as because obviously if he was making it he had da'as to do such a thing.
Despite that, it wasn't uncommon to hear people loudly declaring, "Have in mind to be yotzei so-and-so when making his bed!"
Some months after the initial psak was issued, an enterprising bochur started selling a unique clock that had a special alarm. The alarm would wake you up, and when you pushed the right button it would turn off and ring 9 minutes later to remind you that you had 1 minute left to make your bed. He actually also made a second one that gave you 14 minutes instead of 9,but no one bought it since they felt it was better not to be meikel.
Another issue that the yeshiva had to resolve was that according to the opinions that one must make their beds from when they first woke up, what was to be done if someone fell asleep again shortly after waking up? After much learned discussion it was decided that falling back asleep wasn't a problem, and the zman only started after the real, final waking up. This was derived from the situation of if one woke up in the middle of the night: Was he then obligated to make his bed shortly after? For a brief time, some people in the yeshiva began to follow this custom.
But when the Rosh Yeshiva ruled that it wasn't necessary, they understood from that that the zman only began after the last, real waking up.
These events all occurred many, many years ago, and boruch hashem nowadays it isn't as heated an issue as it once was. Everyone understands and accepts the principles of eilu v'eilu divrei Elokim chaim, minhag avoseinu b'yadeinu, ba'al nefesh yachmir, and shomer p'saim hashem. Each person has a tradition or chumra that he's entitled to follow. In addition, there have been many wonderful books written on this subject, most recently Artscroll's splendid translation of Hilchos Ish U'Mitoso, which sheds much light on this subject for the average layman (also available in a laminated, newly type-set, pocket edition that one can keep by their bed!).
However legend has it that if you go to this yeshiva and poke in on some of the rooms, you'll still occasionally find a bochur here and there that tries to be extra zahir in this inyan and - even on a cold winter night - will sleep on top of his carefully made blanket so that he never will - chas v'chalila!- find his bed unmade past the proper zman!To receive a laminated, large print edition of the special tefila to say before making your bed, please send a fax to 1800-BE-ZAHIR with your proper mailing address and we will be glad to send you one free of charge…
2/27/2011
Will I ever be a good mother?
One of the things a full time student does to make a little money is ... babysitting.
The worth part of it is, that sometimes, I don't even get paid. But that's a choice. When I watch my best friend's baby, or my first cousin's 2 adorabel kids, I don't ask for money. But that's not what I wanna blog about...
I went one night to my cousin's house, and took care of her kids. I loved it ! Feed 'em, undress them, changing nappies, putting them to bed etc... I loved it !!
I loved being a mom for a few hours.
The next day, my best frienf called me saying she had this class in college till 7 PM that couldn't be missed, and asked me if she could leave her 7 months old adorable baby girl with me. Of course I agreed. And again, it was so much fun ! Playing with her, making a bottle, feeding her, watching every move of hers, putting her to sleep and so on...
I loved being a mum for a few hours.
A few days later, a girl around my age ( I did'nt know her) called me to ask me if I could come to her house and babysit her 11 month old daughter. I agreed, and I went. Same stuff. Make a bottle, feed, change, put to sleep and so on...
I hated being a mum for a few hours.
I sat down when she was sleeping and give that some thought. I hate dit because I didn't feel anything towards this kid. I loved taking care of babies I knew and babies I loved. I didn't like to take care of a total stranger.
And then I thought of the time when Iy"h I'll be a real mom. And when I'll wake up after labor in an hospital room, an they will pt my baby on me, and I got scared. What if i felt this baby was a total stranger to me. What if carrying him for 9 monhs didn't create a connection, a relationship. What if I was a bad mother? What if I didn't love my kids? And even worse, what if my kids knew it and didn't love me? This got me really really scared. It was even off-putting, because that kind of thought doesn't just go away.
No, I can't be a bad mother. I had an amazing one, I love kids, i will hopefully love mine. Hopefully. Here I go again.
And what if not??????????
That's it.
I'm officially scared of getting married because I'm scared of being a bad mom.
The worth part of it is, that sometimes, I don't even get paid. But that's a choice. When I watch my best friend's baby, or my first cousin's 2 adorabel kids, I don't ask for money. But that's not what I wanna blog about...
I went one night to my cousin's house, and took care of her kids. I loved it ! Feed 'em, undress them, changing nappies, putting them to bed etc... I loved it !!
I loved being a mom for a few hours.
The next day, my best frienf called me saying she had this class in college till 7 PM that couldn't be missed, and asked me if she could leave her 7 months old adorable baby girl with me. Of course I agreed. And again, it was so much fun ! Playing with her, making a bottle, feeding her, watching every move of hers, putting her to sleep and so on...
I loved being a mum for a few hours.
A few days later, a girl around my age ( I did'nt know her) called me to ask me if I could come to her house and babysit her 11 month old daughter. I agreed, and I went. Same stuff. Make a bottle, feed, change, put to sleep and so on...
I hated being a mum for a few hours.
I sat down when she was sleeping and give that some thought. I hate dit because I didn't feel anything towards this kid. I loved taking care of babies I knew and babies I loved. I didn't like to take care of a total stranger.
And then I thought of the time when Iy"h I'll be a real mom. And when I'll wake up after labor in an hospital room, an they will pt my baby on me, and I got scared. What if i felt this baby was a total stranger to me. What if carrying him for 9 monhs didn't create a connection, a relationship. What if I was a bad mother? What if I didn't love my kids? And even worse, what if my kids knew it and didn't love me? This got me really really scared. It was even off-putting, because that kind of thought doesn't just go away.
No, I can't be a bad mother. I had an amazing one, I love kids, i will hopefully love mine. Hopefully. Here I go again.
And what if not??????????
That's it.
I'm officially scared of getting married because I'm scared of being a bad mom.
2/22/2011
Broken engagements
I know. Divorce, Broken Engagement. Doesn't sound very optimistic. But let's face it. Life doesn't really give us reasons tobe optimistic...
I have this friend, she dated a guy for 3 months. She told me how different it felt from other guys she dated, and how so many things could have been fatal to their relationship and somehow, everything worked out so perfectly. How previous dates should have worked and didn't.
To cut a long story short, he proposed. She agreed. They got engaged. She got this glowing look and happy smile all brides-to-be have. She talks about the impression of feeling whole, and how everything was MinHaShamayim etc...
And then... A week or so after they got engaged, falls the terrible news.
They broke up.
I have this other friend ( not a close one, but still a friend) who dated a guy in the summer. Things weren't perfect, and after a while, they called off the Shidduch. So far, so good. But then, comes December, and they give it a new try. They are going out again.
Bingo ! They're engaged !!! They were set the big day for tonight (Tuesday).
And yes. On Thursday I heard they broke up. And on Sunday I heard they're back together and are getting married on Tuesday. And Monday I heard it's really over. And now it's Tuesday, and there's no wedding.
How can it be that two people date, enjoy each other's company, like each other for a long while, and when they finally make the big move, everything falls apart?
What is it in the engagement process that breaks the bond, the connection that was created during the dating period? Is it scary? Is it weird? Is marriage scary? Horrible?
Please, you people who went through this, tell me why this happens? Or that it doesn't really happen, and some people are actually happy....
I have this friend, she dated a guy for 3 months. She told me how different it felt from other guys she dated, and how so many things could have been fatal to their relationship and somehow, everything worked out so perfectly. How previous dates should have worked and didn't.
To cut a long story short, he proposed. She agreed. They got engaged. She got this glowing look and happy smile all brides-to-be have. She talks about the impression of feeling whole, and how everything was MinHaShamayim etc...
And then... A week or so after they got engaged, falls the terrible news.
They broke up.
Bingo ! They're engaged !!! They were set the big day for tonight (Tuesday).
And yes. On Thursday I heard they broke up. And on Sunday I heard they're back together and are getting married on Tuesday. And Monday I heard it's really over. And now it's Tuesday, and there's no wedding.
How can it be that two people date, enjoy each other's company, like each other for a long while, and when they finally make the big move, everything falls apart?
What is it in the engagement process that breaks the bond, the connection that was created during the dating period? Is it scary? Is it weird? Is marriage scary? Horrible?
Please, you people who went through this, tell me why this happens? Or that it doesn't really happen, and some people are actually happy....
2/17/2011
2/11/2011
A long long long day...
Okay, I am all confused and i need to write about it. Today was a very long day.
It started with a late wake-up, a long exam in college, a race through the streets of Jerusalem, an afternoon at my cousin's and a date ( not mine!!!), a quick meal in a old restaurant, and a huge screaming at my roomates.
After the ritual late wake-up, run to college, take your exam and come out, i promised my cousin I'd come over to help her get ready. Tonight, she had her very first date. I grabbed something to eat, and took a bus to arrive to her place. After small talk, we talked businness, i.e. what are you gonna wear???
We picked a nice black pinnifore and a top to go under it. And then it hit me. I have at home the perfect headband that would change the whole world. So I jumped in a cab, told him to drive me home, wait for me a few minutes, and take me back to where we came from. I ran up the stairs, grabbed THE headband, my makeup bag ( you never know if she has enough), a necklace that looked good to me to match her outfit, and flew back down the stairs. When I was at her place again, WE started getting ready for HER date. When we were sure she looked fabulous, I gave her some tips from an experienced dater, and we took off. I dropped her in front of the hotel she was supposed to meet Mr Perfect, and, I took a walk. My walk lead me, surprinsgly enoough to the Western Wall. The Kotel Hamaaravi. I davened Maariv, said some Tehilim, prayed that everything should go well for her down there in the lobby of that hotel, and proceeded to walk back. i stopped for a drink. Walked around again. No aim whatsoever, just walking. Then she called me. She was done and she was hungry. We met again, and I could see the excitement on her face. The excitement of someone who has just been allowed to enter a casino, or just been allowed to stay up late at night. Basically, the excitement of feeling a grown up, part of the world of people who make life-depending decisions.
The date wasn't amazing ( but after all, what does she know about dating?), we ate in a restaurant, and went back to my place. I told her to sleep over.
What I didn't expect was the house I'd find when arrivieng home.
The sink was full as if the entire BMG had supper by us, leftovers on the tables (afterall, we're talking about Yeshiva Bachurim), dirt on the floor, an indescribable mess on the dinig room table, the bathroom in a disgusting state.
That was too much for me. I started to put away the dishes, wash what was dirty, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up until I got a spotless house.
Oh, and along the way, I yelled. I yelled that I was fed up of living with girls ( all around my age), who basically do nothing during the day, and come home to a messy house, wher noones thinks of cleaning after himself, let alone do something for others. It felt good.
And of course, now that my appartment is spotless, my head is clear and I can think straight.
Why was I annoyed? Because the house was messy and dirty, or because the girls were so unconsiderate,
I am a giving person. I feel good when I do things for others, and I go absolutely nuts when I feel noone needs me. After all, during finals, I spent my whole afternoon picking an outfit for a date I didn't even think would work out.
I spend most of my davening time praying for my recently engaged brother, for my cousin on her first date, for my mother who's ill, for my single friends, for my friend's sister who was diagnosed with cancer. And then I asked Hashem to give me some strength and courage, to stay strong, to find a way for betterment within myself.
I am not a role model to the rest of the world, but there one thing I know I am not. Selfish. I am not selfish I am not selfabsorbed, selfcentered. My cousin asked me after 5 long hours how my exam was. None of the girls who live with me did. None of them offered to do their chores, and watched me sweating and feeling like a cleaning agent in a mall, where people come and go and don't really care about cleanliness.
I wanted to call home and find out how my mom's health was improving. no way to get through. I am nervous. So many things going on, so many mixed feelings. Anger, fear, sadness, proudness, selfpity and so on...
Hashem, I need help. I need to know how to focus on myself, not to get hurt by people who didn't mean to hurt me, who actually didn't. I need to learn patience and calmness.
I know I should have sat down, taken a long breath and tell them nicely to take a part in the hoousekeeping chores. Could have told my cousin I wasn't ready to sit down hear about her first date. Should have taken a long and warm shower, calmed down and realize. Realize I am not in control of the world. I am not in charge here. I don't have to feel responsible for everything.
I need to learn how to differenciate between altruism and being used.
Today, I didn"t feel I was giving so much. I felt I was being taken advantage of. I will try to not let that happen again.
Have a great Shabath.
PS I realize this post is totally uninteresting, but it felt good unearthing these feelings.
It started with a late wake-up, a long exam in college, a race through the streets of Jerusalem, an afternoon at my cousin's and a date ( not mine!!!), a quick meal in a old restaurant, and a huge screaming at my roomates.
After the ritual late wake-up, run to college, take your exam and come out, i promised my cousin I'd come over to help her get ready. Tonight, she had her very first date. I grabbed something to eat, and took a bus to arrive to her place. After small talk, we talked businness, i.e. what are you gonna wear???
We picked a nice black pinnifore and a top to go under it. And then it hit me. I have at home the perfect headband that would change the whole world. So I jumped in a cab, told him to drive me home, wait for me a few minutes, and take me back to where we came from. I ran up the stairs, grabbed THE headband, my makeup bag ( you never know if she has enough), a necklace that looked good to me to match her outfit, and flew back down the stairs. When I was at her place again, WE started getting ready for HER date. When we were sure she looked fabulous, I gave her some tips from an experienced dater, and we took off. I dropped her in front of the hotel she was supposed to meet Mr Perfect, and, I took a walk. My walk lead me, surprinsgly enoough to the Western Wall. The Kotel Hamaaravi. I davened Maariv, said some Tehilim, prayed that everything should go well for her down there in the lobby of that hotel, and proceeded to walk back. i stopped for a drink. Walked around again. No aim whatsoever, just walking. Then she called me. She was done and she was hungry. We met again, and I could see the excitement on her face. The excitement of someone who has just been allowed to enter a casino, or just been allowed to stay up late at night. Basically, the excitement of feeling a grown up, part of the world of people who make life-depending decisions.
The date wasn't amazing ( but after all, what does she know about dating?), we ate in a restaurant, and went back to my place. I told her to sleep over.
What I didn't expect was the house I'd find when arrivieng home.
The sink was full as if the entire BMG had supper by us, leftovers on the tables (afterall, we're talking about Yeshiva Bachurim), dirt on the floor, an indescribable mess on the dinig room table, the bathroom in a disgusting state.
That was too much for me. I started to put away the dishes, wash what was dirty, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up, clean up until I got a spotless house.
Oh, and along the way, I yelled. I yelled that I was fed up of living with girls ( all around my age), who basically do nothing during the day, and come home to a messy house, wher noones thinks of cleaning after himself, let alone do something for others. It felt good.
And of course, now that my appartment is spotless, my head is clear and I can think straight.
Why was I annoyed? Because the house was messy and dirty, or because the girls were so unconsiderate,
I am a giving person. I feel good when I do things for others, and I go absolutely nuts when I feel noone needs me. After all, during finals, I spent my whole afternoon picking an outfit for a date I didn't even think would work out.
I spend most of my davening time praying for my recently engaged brother, for my cousin on her first date, for my mother who's ill, for my single friends, for my friend's sister who was diagnosed with cancer. And then I asked Hashem to give me some strength and courage, to stay strong, to find a way for betterment within myself.
I am not a role model to the rest of the world, but there one thing I know I am not. Selfish. I am not selfish I am not selfabsorbed, selfcentered. My cousin asked me after 5 long hours how my exam was. None of the girls who live with me did. None of them offered to do their chores, and watched me sweating and feeling like a cleaning agent in a mall, where people come and go and don't really care about cleanliness.
I wanted to call home and find out how my mom's health was improving. no way to get through. I am nervous. So many things going on, so many mixed feelings. Anger, fear, sadness, proudness, selfpity and so on...
Hashem, I need help. I need to know how to focus on myself, not to get hurt by people who didn't mean to hurt me, who actually didn't. I need to learn patience and calmness.
I know I should have sat down, taken a long breath and tell them nicely to take a part in the hoousekeeping chores. Could have told my cousin I wasn't ready to sit down hear about her first date. Should have taken a long and warm shower, calmed down and realize. Realize I am not in control of the world. I am not in charge here. I don't have to feel responsible for everything.
I need to learn how to differenciate between altruism and being used.
Today, I didn"t feel I was giving so much. I felt I was being taken advantage of. I will try to not let that happen again.
Have a great Shabath.
PS I realize this post is totally uninteresting, but it felt good unearthing these feelings.
2/08/2011
Mazal Tov....
My brother got engaged !!! Yay !!
I guess that means he's not Stuck in Shidduchim anymore......
I guess that means he's not Stuck in Shidduchim anymore......
2/07/2011
Divorce
I know you don’t expect a blog whose title is shidduchim to have one of the first posts dealing with divorce. I am not going to talk about the scary rate of people who get a divorce a few months after they get married and how awful is that, and how it could have been prevented given that they were aware of the challenges, and nowadays and blablabla.
I am talking about parents. And shidduchim.
Let me put it this way: Are divorced parents a good enough reason to reject a SUGGESTION?
There are two theories on the subject.
Some say that children who came from divorced parents are more likely to emulate them, make the same mistakes and therefore, will probably end up divorced themselves, considering divorce as an option to a marriage that is falling apart. They also have commitment issues, or on the other end of the spectrum, will do anything to get married to escape their family.
Some say that children who have suffered a divorce in their home, are more likely to invest all they can to make their marriage work, are willing to make more compromises and so on.
And which one is true?
To my humble opinion, things are a little more complicated.
I find it true that those children who came from a broken home have as a role-model a broken couple. True, they are missing out on a lot. And even truer, they might want to get married in order to escape from their house. But if we look at it the other way, they are also kind of gifted. They are aware that marriage is something fragile, something that needs to be handled carefully, dealt with care and devotion; selflessness and altruism. And it’s not an emergency exit they are looking for, rather looking forward to build, instead of watching something destroyed. And yes, they are willing to compromise much more, they are able to identify attitudes that might be destructive whereas children who grew up in regular homes, might not be able to know what could be the consequences of some of their attitudes. And yes, they might consider divorce an option. But I find that this is intrinsically connected to the commitment issue.
In fact, I find that they are reluctant to commit, not because they are scared to get married, but because they are scared that the other person might leave them, just like one of the parents did to the other. They know the risk as a reality, not just as statistics. And in that way, that’s how divorce becomes an option. Because they are scared that if things don’t work out, it’ll end just like their parents’ marriage did. And it will hurt just like it hurt when the parents split up. They know they will do anything to make the marriage work, to avoid anymore suffering, but what if he/she doesn’t feel that way?
And then, technical issues, who comes to visit when, how to tell the kids, who will pay for the wedding expenses…
I get it, marrying someone who comes from a broken home can be off-putting, scary.
And what about marrying an orphan? Ah, it’s not his fault at all? Well, it’s not his fault his parents divorced either. And if things were done the right way, he might have less suffering buried inside than the orphan.
Who are we? How can we decide that a person isn’t good enough for you because his parents were wise enough to split up to save them from witnessing fights, conflicts and tears?
I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences on the subject.
You, whoever you are, if anyone is reading me…
The feeling of being judged
I feel judged.
I feel judged by my roommates, watching me get up late, and thinking “what is she still doing in bed?”
I feel judged by the cashier at the grocery store, scanning the items and thinking “how can she eat so much?”
I feel judged by my classmates, watching me scribbling on my notebook, thinking “why is she not taking notes?”
I feel judged by the people in the street, staring at me, thinking about my look, my hair, my clothes, my extra pounds, my shoes, my bag, the expression on my face, thinking “ how can she look like this if she’s trying to get married?”
I feel judged by the guy at the gym, by the kid in the bus, by my teacher. I feel judged.
I feel that people are constantly assessing me, according to their own standards, and putting me down, pulling me down. I want to tell them I don’t care, that I am indifferent to their judgment, and that they should get a life.
But why does it disturb me so much? Because those things really bother me. Because I wish I could get out of bed faster, and I wish I could stop spending money on food, etc..
And then I realized. I realized people aren’t judging me. I am. I am judging myself.
I feel guilty to stay late in bed, and I feel guilty to buy so much junk food, and I feel guilty to sit in class without taking notes, and I feel guilty not to be able to lose way and make some efforts into my looks. But it’s much easier to find that other people make quick judgments without getting the whole picture, than actually do something about all those things that deep inside, scream for improvement.
People don't judge, becuse people don't actually care. Or they have thoughts thats, weirdly, don't match at all our assumptions. Maybe the girl next to me in class, wondering how can I remember everything whithout jotting it down and she's jealous. Maybe people in the street think, wow, she walks fast, or, maybe, they are not even thinking anything, they are just looking, because, you've go look somewhere...
So here I go, back to square one, with my issues. They distub me and only me, and I am the only one who can deal with it.
What's for starters?
A blog? Why a blog?
I guess I was tired reading other people's blog, when I have what to say too.
I have no idea what i am going to say, to talk about.
For a short introduction, I am an jewish educated young girl, in college, dreaming of changing the system, constantly thinking about different ways to achieve it.
English is not my mother's tongue, but weirdly enough, is the language I feel the most at ease with.
So, dear future readers, please bear with the few mistakes that will inevitable happen along the way. Please, leave comments and I will try to respond to them to the best of my abilities. I want to have your opinion, and also, I just want to know someone's reading me. So even if you have nothing to say, just to say ''great post" or "totally boring" and Iwill know I am not just writing just for myself, although it would be a good enough reason to write anyway. But I'll leave that thought for a later post.
I hope you'll enjoy reading my blog as much as I enjoy writing it.
I guess I was tired reading other people's blog, when I have what to say too.
I have no idea what i am going to say, to talk about.
For a short introduction, I am an jewish educated young girl, in college, dreaming of changing the system, constantly thinking about different ways to achieve it.
English is not my mother's tongue, but weirdly enough, is the language I feel the most at ease with.
So, dear future readers, please bear with the few mistakes that will inevitable happen along the way. Please, leave comments and I will try to respond to them to the best of my abilities. I want to have your opinion, and also, I just want to know someone's reading me. So even if you have nothing to say, just to say ''great post" or "totally boring" and Iwill know I am not just writing just for myself, although it would be a good enough reason to write anyway. But I'll leave that thought for a later post.
I hope you'll enjoy reading my blog as much as I enjoy writing it.
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